Schwarzenegger to Calif State Legislature: Fuck You

So.....

Arnold Schwarzenegger recently sent the above letter to the California assembly or whatever. You can tell by the tone of the letter that the Govanata' is not too pleased about the current state of affairs in California. But if you look even closer it's clear just how pissed he is about things.

(If you can't see that the first letter of every line spells out FUCK YOU, then fuck you)

I'm fairly sure we already said Schwarzenegger is a B-Time hero on the facebook, but if we didn't consider this his official induction into the hall of heroes.

Robot Learns to Love, Be Creepy About Said Love

I had this as a kid, it was probably my favorite toy. It could beat the T Rex from Jurassic Park in a fight. No one else could do that, not even like 5 raptors like the stupid end of Jurassic Park.

Over in Japan they're pretty big about robots, with a lot of the scientists who work on robots going as far as trying to teach robots to be human. A while back I did a story on robots that were learning to lie to one another. Well this time around the Japanese have taught a robot to love.

This actually all started back in March, where through intense breakthrough programming, scientists were able to teach a robot to love. Initially the software used to program the robots was simply there to get emotional reactions out of robots when outside stimuli were presented to them. The robot in question, Kenji, at first learned to "love" a stuffed doll. Kenji would hug the stuffed doll for hours on end, and at first simply ask, while somewhat naggingly, about the doll and it's well being if he did not have it.

Initially this was seen as a success, Kenji was showing empathy and devotion, they had made the robot feel. But as of last week, things kinda took a negative turn. Over the course of several months, Kenji's devotion had turned into an obsession. The program had continued to learn and grow, and did not necessarily see anything wrong with these actions. But now Kenji's creators are afraid to let people near him. Just last week Kenji trapped a young intern who regularly ran tests on him within his enclosure. He only let her out after she was able to get senior scientists to return to the facility and de-active Kenji. Now Kenji is not allowed to see any people, and while they've learned quite a bit from him, his creators fear he will have to be permanently deactivated, as anyone who approaches him now is embraced in his cold grip and is not allowed to escape.

A pretty crazy story, but right up there in Bonus Time news. It's a tough question you have to ask yourself when you hear about stuff like this involving robots. Kenji was only doing what he was programmed to do, and had in that sense good intentions. However he has clearly gone to far in his devotion to outside stimuli. Hopefully in the end this leads to something good, although in general the idea of robots with emotions is fairly disturbing.

Yes.

I am the law.

The other day a guy dressed as Colonel Sanders from KFC snuck into the United Nations headquarters in New York. It sounds pretty ridiculous, but it's true. And he didn't just sneak in and nab a free tour, he got into several restricted areas, and was even able to take a picture in the general assembly hall, and with the UN president guy.

The whole thing turned out to be a publicity stunt by KFC, apparently the Colonel also submitted a letter asking the UN to recognize the "Grilled Nation" behind KFCs new grilled chicken. I'm gonna stop for just a minute here.

Fuck KFC grilled chicken. If you're going to KFC, you know what you're doing. You're cramming fat down your throat at an alarming rate, and you're more than likely loving it. I eat KFC every so often, (I usually don't eat for a solid day after to even things out) I'm not saying it's bad. But the whole "we have healthy food now" thing is bullshit. Who are you trying to kid? Fat assholes in this stupid country are just gonna end up ordering Grilled Chicken, but with a side of fried chicken skin. And then they're just gonna fill up on the skin!

Anyway.... the UN acknowledges the event took place, and that there was a lapse in security. Good to see that an organization that is supposedly policing the world can be broken into by a guy dressed in a ridiculous costume and a dude with a camera. Although it would probably be scarier if the UN had actually let the guy in, and they were in the pocket of a fast food chain.

Anyway, the moral of the story is to eat fried chikin cuz its gud.

Check out the original article including actual pictures here.

2006, The Number 6 Sucks

SIZZZZZZZLE

Oh man, another facebook repost! This is the information that we decided was important about the year 2006! I know that most of you have already read and memorized everything on the facebook, but I figured I'd continue the theme of reposting these years because I know it makes you all so happy.

2006
International Year of Deserts and Desertification

January 1 – Sydney, Australia, has its warmest day on record, when the city reaches 45°C (113°F).

February 5 – Super Bowl XL: The Pittsburgh Steelers defeat the Seattle Seahawks 21-10

March 17 – The United States strikes its 2 remaining Iowa-class battleships from the Naval Vessel Register, ending the age of the battleship.

June 18 – The first Kazakh space satellite KazSat is launched.

July 11 – Microsoft ends Extended Support for Windows 98, Windows 98 Second Edition, and Windows Me as part of the Microsoft Lifecycle Policy.

August 24 – The International Astronomical Union defines 'planet' at its 26th General Assembly, demoting Pluto to the status of 'dwarf planet' more than 70 years after its discovery.

September 13 – The solar system's largest dwarf planet, designated until now as 2003 UB313, is officially named "Eris"; its satellite is now known as "Dysnomia".

October 10 – Google buys YouTube for USD $1.65 billion.
October 10 – Microsoft ends all public assisted support for Windows XP Service Pack 1 (SP1).

November 8 – A transit of Mercury occurs.

December 10 – Christer Fuglesang becomes the first Swede in space.

More Internet = Bigger Brain

"Grab your dicks and double click!"

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this article actually doesn't really have anything to do with porn. Oh wait, if you're a regular reader you already know the pictures rarely have much of anything to do with the actual articles, so no big deal.

Anyway, so you know how old people say computers rot your brains? Well now there's more scientific evidence than ever before that in fact their brains are rotting, and that regular internet use actually helps your brain.

The study that shows this is actually a follow up to a UCLA study done back in June. The study back in June actually found that people who regularly use the internet have more activity going on in the areas of their brains that deal with complex reasoning. Originally they believed that this was because people who were better equipped to deal with complex reasoning were more naturally drawn to the internet. There wasn't much steam behind this theory, and truthfully if you've ever interacted with random people on the internet you know that's pretty much bullshit.

This time around though they did a study on people ages 55-78. They took one group of people who used the internet, and another group who thought the internet was a new hip term the kids were using for devil worship, and did brain scans on them. After about a month of an hour a day of internet searching everyday, they found that the group who had not previously used the internet had more activity going on in the areas of the brain that deal with decision making and working memory.

So the internet can actually exercise your brain! Pretty cool, I'd say it's a far stretch that it actually makes you smarter. I mean yeah it helps you learn more useless shit... but aside from that I'm not sold. Keep reading the internet though folks, as it's officially NOT a waste of Bonus Time to sit on your ass in front of a computer.

Super Earth Sends Giant Death Gulls to Destroy Bonus Time

The title says it all and the video is proof. Super Earth has launched another attack against the Planet Earth, AGAIN targeting Australia in their attempts to destroy human morale. It's a shame that the Super Earthicans didn't realize that Australia is a nation of bad ass former prisoners, and if they mess with Australia or Bonus Time one more time, they're gonna have Russel Crowe on their asses. And he'll fight ANYTHING!

Is this cause for alarm? Yes. Panic? Absolutely. Rioting? Please get me a new TV while you're looting. Super Earth has stepped it up once again, yet the world's governments refuse to take the necessary steps to stand up against this alien threat. It's time to start making the tin foil hats and the fallout shelters folks, Super Earth is becoming more and more a real threat with each passing Bonus minute.

Detroit Still Sucks

Hell is also in Michigan.

A photographer and an architect are going to strange extents to bring attention to Detroit's foreclosure crisis. The two men are attempting to this winter encase a house in Detroit completely in ice, and are looking for donations to get the job done.

Having grown up in the city, the two visionaries feel that the project could be done somewhere else, but would simply not have the same impact as it would in Detroit. Probably because the city is such a shit hole.

Overall the price tag on the idea is $11,000, and they have raised about $1,400. Their progress will be posted on their blog here: icehousedetroit.blogspot.com

Personally I think this is a little silly. Yeah you're drawing attention to a problem, but what are you doing to fix it? This story has already gotten national media attention, so why not do something better with it? Like donate a house to family that was forced out of their home or something. Oh that's right, because their own farts simply wouldn't smell as sweet without the smug sense of satisfaction that comes from wasting other people's money on a ridiculous art project. My bad.

Snortin' the Seven Seas

C-c-c-c-c-c-c-yeaaaaaaaa

Next time you're busting out that 8-ball maybe think about where it came from. Why? Because authorities in Guatemala recently busted traffickers trying to sneak about 10,000 kilos of cocaine into the US. Oh and by the way, they were trying to sneak it in using a makeshift submarine they had built.

Yeah.

3 Guatemalans and a Mexican national were busted in international waters by the efforts of the United States and Guatemala. Pretty clever way to try and sneak your drugs around fellas, but if you can build makeshift submarines that can hold almost 22,000 pounds, then why not do something cooler with them? I mean A+ for ingenuity, and apparently a solid 1/3 of the cocaine that comes into the US is snuck in this way. But I dunno, I'd be a pirate or some shit if I had my own sub. Or do the whole living underwater thing. I'm kinda focusing on that a lot lately... maybe it's time to create a Bonus Time city -- UNDERWATER.

Anyway these guys are Bonus Time winners for trying to do something amazing like smuggle a shit ton of drugs around in a home made sub. But they're losers pretty much for the same reason, so I guess the lesson here is . . . get coked up and build shit? Yeah, that works.

Japan Wins Bonus Time

Amazing.

Since the good ol' days of World War II (aka when Japan became Good Guys), the Japanese have absolutely loved American culture. And now that Windows 7 has dropped, the Japanese are celebrating like no one else, with the abomination you see above you - the 7 Layer Whopper from Burger King. Japan you are so cool, and the Japanese clearly love Bonus Time so much. What a great thing!

Check out the original article here.

IT'S INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY

YES

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT CAPS LOCK IS FOR WHEN YOU MEAN SERIOUS BUSINESS ON THE INTERNET. TODAY HOWEVER IS INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY ACCORDING TO MY ROOMMATE. MAKE SURE EVERYONE KNOWS HOW SUPER SERIOUS / SERIOUSLY COOL YOU ARE TODAY BY CHATTING ON THE INTERNET IN CAPS LOCK ONLY. LOL!!!!!!!1!11!11

Pirates Are the Coolest Part of Bonus Time

Arrrrrgh.

Somali pirates, I'm sure you've heard of them before. Basically one day they decided to stop sitting around and dying of famine all day, and take back from the rest of the world. And when they decided to take back they did so by sea, because that is how the world had taken from them, bringing disease, dumping toxic waste in their seas, and ravaging the fishy bounties of their waters for their own gain for years. Seems like the Somalians had simply had enough, or maybe one day one of them just realized that hey, it's Bonus Time.

The Somali pirates have recently made news headlines again for hijacking a Chinese freighter. This is bigger news than usual because lately warships from several nations, including the Chinese have upped their patrols in areas where the Somali pirates are known to strike. But like any good swashbuckling sea dogs, they laid in wait, and have once again struck.

And you know what? Good for them.

Most of the men who turn to piracy in Somalia were former fisherman. Because the country is so poor (almost 3/4 of the population lives on about $2 a day) they do not have a coast guard to stop foreign fishermen from coming in and taking their lively hood. So when the fishermen began to fight them off themselves, the next natural step for them was to turn to piracy.

There is also documentation of Somali pirates helping to revitalize poor seaside town's economies in Somalia. A rapid influx of cash from a ransom can quickly turn what was once a completely run down poor town into a bustling center of commerce.

Now of course they take to methods that are more violent then most people care for, but it's better then sitting around being robbed yourselves. And any asshole who spends their Bonus Time on a cargo ship sailing around the world pretty much has it coming anyway. Bonus Time says good for the Somali pirates, although we will be canceling our annual Bonus Cruise through the Indian Ocean.

OH and you know what? I was gonna make an AIDS joke in this article, but Somalia has one of the lowest HIV rates in all of Africa. And for that they get a gold star.

Detroit Hates Running

Whoops

So on Sunday in Detroit they had a marathon. And while usually the only difference between a Detroit marathon and a regular marathon is that you're running from the hell that is every waking moment of your life living in Detroit, this year there was also something different. This year three people died during the marathon.

Bonus Time kinda banks on the idea that we're all gonna bit the bullet someday, and that we should have already. But man, what a crappy way to go.

The first guy simply fell, hit his head and died. He was 60 so I guess old people fall down a lot, but that's not even really that old these days. Did he slip on an oil slick? Slowly leaking from the remains of a once proud auto industry? The other two simply died, the original article doesn't even really say much aside from the fact that one guy was 23 and the other was 26, and they just kinda collapsed and died. Did they just give up? Is living in a city often described as god's restroom truly so bad that they just died? (Probably, yeah.)

I wanna make these guys the Bonus Time losers of the week, but instead I'm going to give that city to the city of Detroit. From the Tigers, to the Lions, to the dying auto industry, you suck Detroit.

But I'll still love you anyway, next week that is.

6,453,628,000

For some reason this is one of the top results when you google image search "2005"

Welcome back to another edition of shit that happened during Bonus Time. Another repost from our ridiculously popular facebook fan page. And even though it hasn't been updated in months, you should still check it out. But I digress, here's 2005's Bonus Worthy shit:

2005
The Year of Discovery

January 20 – Ireland completes metrication.

February 15 – The Internet site YouTube goes online.

March 3 – Millionaire Steve Fossett breaks a world record by completing the first non-stop, non-refueled, solo flight around the world in the Virgin Atlantic GlobalFlyer.

April 6 – The first 13th root calculation of a 200-digit number is computed by Frenchman Alexis Lemaire.

June 17 – Because of "quadruple-witching" options and futures expiration, the New York Stock Exchange sees the heaviest first-hour trading on record. 704 million shares are traded between 9:30-10:30 A.M. (1.92 billion shares for the day).

July 2 – Live 8, a set of 10 simultaneous concerts, takes place throughout the world, raising interest in the Make Poverty History campaign.

August 12 – The Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter is launched.

November 13 – Andrew Stimpson, a 25-year old British man, is reported as the first person proven to have been 'cured' of HIV.

December 31 – Another second is added, 23:59:60, called a leap second, to end the year 2005.

The December one is really the coolest. I mean that's Bonus Time right there, how can you even argue that?

A New Fun Way to Spend Bonus Time!

Print this out and do it or we're not friends, seriously.

Here at Bonus Time I think I try and do my best to provide you, the faithful reader, with fun activities and great ways to spend your Bonus Time on planet Earth. Whether it's picking out cool news stories to make you scratch your head, or maybe even inspire you a little, or flat out giving you advice on really cool shit, I try to do my best. Now I need the Bonus Time faithful to give back a little.

I want one of you to kill Jon Gosselin.

I know, I'm not even asking for that much, and after all of the great content I've provided you guys with, and promise to continue to provide you with, it's really the least I can ask.

I've made my thoughts on reality TV perfectly clear on this blog. If you watch it you are absolutely wasting your time. Hell, I'm guilty of it from time to time, but admit it, you're wasting your life every time you plop down to watch America's Next Top Mess or whatever. But this guy has somehow made the jump from reality TV to fucking front page news for like the past 3 months. And why, because he got divorced? My parents got divorced, bet yours did too, who the fuck cares? Oh is it just because he's an enormous dickhead? Then don't pay attention to him, maybe he'll go away.

Or maybe one of you offs him.

Just throwing it out there faithful, you'd be doing me and every one you know a serious favor. It's not even like those kids would be that bad off as it is anyway. I'm sure Disney is gonna put in an offer to buy them soon enough as it is. Hell you could auction those little fuckers off and take care of any debt in the world anyway.

Anywho, that asshole isn't news. Half the shit that's spoon fed to Americans through the media isn't news. Cut your eyes out and move to the moon. That's what I'm going to do. Thanks for hearing out my rant, and seriously someone just off this asshole. Thanks in advance.

Oh, and I'll give you a Bonus Time T-Shirt or something if you do. Not that those exist yet, but hey, it could happen.

Oh and Gosselin is officially a Bonus Time villain. If this article isn't enough evidence why, go read what I wrote about Octomom. Oh and his ex wife is a villain too because her hair sucks and she comes off like a stupid cunt.

Go Into The Water (Live There, Die There)

Ha cha cha cha.

Over the weekend the country of Malvides held the world's first underwater cabinet meeting, and while one senior adviser was asked to leave after peeing in his wetsuit, it was for the most part a success.

President Mohamed Nasheed held the underwater meeting to bring more attention to the plight his nation faces. The President feels that if stronger measures are not taken to fight global warming and climate change, his nation will be doomed.

And the feeling seems to be that he is right, although it will take quite a bit of time, within the next 300 or so years, the island will disappear underneath the water completely. He went on to say that his country is living on borrowed time.

Hey no shit Sherlock, we're all living on borrowed time, it's called Bonus Time. SWALLOWED BY THE SEA ITSELF is a pretty bad ass way to die, and considering we all should have been taken out 9 years ago, I wouldn't really worry about what's going to happen in 300 years. Global Warming is a serious threat to Planet Earth, but if you think about all the other threats we're facing during Bonus Time, it's not the biggest.

Maybe instead of bitching and holding an underwater meeting, Malvides should do something cool like build an underwater city. That would be probably one of the most amazing things that could take place during Bonus Time. Even if they were just on a giant submarine like in Sea Quest that would be cooler. They'd be that weird country that just floats around in the giant submarine all the time. Earth could use that.

Giant Snakes Are Coming For You

Classic Cinema.

The United States is under attack by gigantic snakes. According to a report released by very boring scientists, the green anaconda, a snake which grows up to 23 feet in length, could very possibly "invade" up to 1/3 of the United States. The snake is not native to the US, but could thrive in some southern climates. Not only would the weather be right, but the snake would basically have free reign over the eco system of the United States. Most of our wildlife is not much to sneeze at, and most Americans are simply too fat to escape a giant snake. These conditions have created the perfect storm for this snake to survive.

But how will it get here? That's a good question, as it seems rather odd for a snake common only in South America to suddenly become a problem in the United States. Some scientists are choosing to say it's because pet owners, mostly in Southern areas (read: hicks) are prone to get a pet like the green anaconda, and then let it loose when it grows too large.

That would make sense, save for the part where we here at Bonus Time know that there is an Alien nation trying to destroy the planet Earth. And what better place to start then the world's favorite country? Sure Super Earth threw a dust storm at Australia, but if you bring down America the rest of the countries on Earth pretty much have to fold like a house of cards. Next time it rains take cover, because before you know it it's going to be raining fire on regular Earth, or maybe snakes, or hell... maybe fire snakes.

What can you, a mild mannered lover of your Bonus Time do about this? Try to organize local snake whacking days among your community, and be sure to take only real snake killing, accept no substitutes. Also be sure to stay on the lookout for any family members or loved ones that appear to have been consumed, or are being consumed by a snake. And lastly, don't be a retard and buy a snake to try to impress a girl or your friends. Everyone knows that's what drinking too much and tattoos are for anyway.

A Rebuttal

Hey so yesterday I reported on the kid in Colorado who took off in his Dad's weather balloon and was all "hey that's awesome!" But you know what? He was hiding in a box in the attic, and some people are saying that his Dad told him to do it. So guess what, screw that kid and screw his dad. Terrible way to spend your Bonus Time, anything I suggested about them being heroic yesterday is wrong. Weirdos!

POISON DONT KILL PEOPLE OXYGEN KILLS PEOPLE

Now the Bends is stuck in your head. You're welcome.

Alright so I've pushed a lot of crazy ideas in your guys general direction over the last month or so. The sky's falling, martians are coming to eat our brains, Joseph Stalin's gonna be reading your bed time stories instead of mommy from now on, I know -- it's been a lot to swallow at times. But this one's gonna take a minute or two to wrap your head around.

According to a scientist, Oxygen kills people. Yes folks, take a deep breath.

Let's start from square one: if you don't have Oxygen you die, right? Right. Mr. Science Guy isn't saying that's not the case, if you suffocate you suffocate, if you drown you drown, so on and so forth. But he's saying in other tragic accidents like a heart attack or stroke, that a lack of Oxygen is actually a big factor in helping kill you. You see Oxygen rapidly not being in the body does a huge amount of damage in these situations, and if done quickly enough, a small amount of hydrogen sulfide (an ounce could kill dozens of couple) if used to replace oxygen, can actually put an animal into a state of suspension that will halt degradation due to a lack of oxygen.

FUCKING CRAZY.

So far it's only working on small creatures, when they tried the experiment on a pig it freaked out and died, but it could be huge for humans. I mean just think about it, take the oxygen out, and replace it with poison, and you've got a perfect state of suspension where doctors can ACTUALLY come back and save you. Beats the hell out of cryogenics, all that happens then is some hilarious people decide to play baseball with your head!

This whole thing sounds a little bat shit nutty, and admittedly in the original article the writer describes the guy as looking like a nut, but still this COULD be amazing. And it's all brought to you by Bonus time.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of ... Boobs? And Movies? And everything else the internet has to offer at top speed?!

Correge.

You know why other countries are better than ours? Because they can take bat shit fucking crazy ideas and make them laws! OH MY GOD! Sorry I'm really not over this one yet.

Anyway, Finland has made it a LEGAL RIGHT for all of it's citizens to have high speed internet! If your provider can't get you high speed internet, you can sue them! They have to pay you money or go to jail! HOLY SHIT THATS AMAZING! Do they even have internet in Finland, seriously? I thought they lived in Igloos!

Okay so according to this article they do have internet, Finland is one of the most 'wired' countries with 95% of it's population already on the web. And while the "high speed" is debatable at this time (providers are only required to provide 1 mb per second or higher), by 2015 providers must offer at least 100 mbps minimum. Amazing! The Finnish are saying that internet is something that you can not live without.

Well you know what Bonus Time is the internet, we practically invented that shit. So bam, there you go, fucking amazing shit I can't believe it. Bonus Time people, Bonus Time.

Up, Up, and Away!

Anything involving hot air balloons even remotely calls for the Hindenberg.

Some cool Bonus news out of Colorado. Apparently a man and his son were working on a home made do it yourself hot air balloon. Probably getting ready to escape Earth when Super Earth shows up, or just really enjoying their Bonus Time.

The story takes a bit of an odd twist, as while the father was not being attentive to the adventurous lad, he decided to take the hot air balloon for a spin. He surprisingly was able to get the makeshift craft untethered, and off he went.

The balloon was last spotted in the airspace above Colorado, fluctuating between 7,500 and 8,500 feet. Let's hope the little guy is having a good time up there at least, and that he isn't already dead with terror. Because if he does make it out of this one in one piece, he's definitely going into the hall of Bonus Time Heroes.

Also, if you're sitting on your ass reading this at home, go out and make something cool! These guys made a hot air balloon! Bonus Time!

Update: As of about 4 30ish Eastern the Balloon has landed! However the boy is missing, and this article seems to suggest that the boy would not have survived a crash in the balloon. However Bonus Time scientists Claire had the following to say:

Claire: he's just hiding

he's not dead

Claire: he's worried about getting in trouble

I would be worried too, good sleuthing Claire!

I'm not dead....

Hey gang, just wanted to let you all know that I haven't died. I've just been kinda under the weather the last few days, and unfortunately when you're sick it doesn't feel much like Bonus Time. I promise i'll be bringing some stuff back for all of you, including the promised hero profile on Ron Pearlman that was chosen by last week's contest winner. B the onus children, and stay out of the rain.

When Toadstools Ruled the Earth

OH HAI!

A bajillion years ago (250 million years ago) there was something called the Permian Mass Extinction in which 95% of sea life and 70% of land life on Earth died. Scientists believe the cause of the extinction, or "Great Dying," was constant volcanic eruptions coming from present day Siberia.

Now scientists are saying that not only did the greatest extinction the Earth has ever seen kill off most of the animal life on Earth, they're also suggesting now that this extinction also wiped out the world's forests.

Now scientists are saying that it was Fungus, and not trees that could have survived the mass extinction, and that fungus was the dominant vegetation on planet Earth for the next 4 million years.

This was predominantly because fungus could feed off of all the rotting wood. And a spike in fossils of such type of fungi is supporting the theory of so many forests being wiped out.

If you want to find out more on this, please click here. Otherwise I'm about to apply Bonus science to this.

Bonus Time scientists however believe that there is much more to this discovery. Could this possibly be ancient evidence of the Mushroom Kingdom?

Realistically, yes.

As cataloged by many top bonus science chronicles, the Mushroom Kingdom was a very real place. This article describes the dying off of most of the planet's species. Let's think back, how many different types of creatures ARE there in the Mushroom Kingdom? There's turtle people, evil mushrooms, and eventually some dinosaurs. And under the water there is even less diversity, a few squids and some fish, wow. In later games we get red fish and green fish, showing that things are starting to improve. But still the lack of eco diversity in the Mushroom Kingdom supports this theory.

It also explains Bowser's grudge with the Mushroom Kingdom. Wouldn't you fight back if most of your kind were wiped out? One day there are reptile men running all over the Earth, the next there's a bunch of Mushroom assholes running around with high pitched voices. Down and out you make a pact with some of the more asshole-ish Mushrooms (The Goombas) and there you go, time to take the world back.

Science + Bonus = Mario really happened. Aren't you glad it's Bonus Time? Now all you have to do is become a plumber, flush yourself down some kind of time toilet and you're set!

But be careful, something tells me that over the years history has been kinder to the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom then they should have been. Princess Peach in the end might just be some kind of disgusting Mushroom hive, forcing the lesser mushroom people to do her bidding through her telekinetic hive network. Hell she might only even appear to a human to Mario to get him to do her evil bidding, maybe that's why he never gets with her...

And The Winner Is....

Max! My good old buddy Max won the first ever Bonus Time contest, making him much cooler than you will ever be. He won for his comment on my fun fall activities article:

"My favorite October activity is counting all the douches dressed up as the Joker. Talk about beating a dead Heath... I mean horse.

It's the new crow."

Hilarious but also true! Max beat out all of the (one) other commenters! Reader Phil came close to grasping the prize, but couldn't pull it off as none of his comments were actual words! Better luck next time, Phil!

As per his reward I will purchase and drink a beer with Max (regardless of the fact that we do that all the time) and he has nominated Ron Perlman as his Bonus Time Hero of choice. Nice going Max! (Note: I'll be doing a feature post on Ron either later today or Monday)

And for everyone else who was going to comment but was too much of a coward, fuck you! Enjoy your non free beer this weekend, and your lack of Bonus fame and notoriety!

The Moon Goes Boom

Chewie's still cuttin' the crap out of his fur after this one.

As reported on last week, NASA has purposely crashed a probe into the moon.

As stated earlier NASA believes that there may be molecules of water, or hydroxyl (which can be used to easily synthesize water) on the moon. The prescience of either of these could make man's exploration, and even colonization of the Lunar surface much more convenient in the years to come.

So far however NASA has not come up with any results. While observatories on Earth noted being able to see plumes of Lunar dust coming off of the surface, NASA themselves is a bit iffy on the whole subject.

So we'll have to wait and see what happens with this. Moon Base 1 is still a ways off, but this is a step in the right direction. Also, if you have a telescope then look to the skies tonight. The debris from the explosion should be visible from Earth with aid of a small telescope.

There's Fire Rain and Lava Oceans on Super Earth

BAM FIRE!

Fuck. Luckily it seems that as of late Super Earthican activity has been fairly low key. But the more I hear about this place the more I realize what a serious threat this is to Bonus Time.

If there's one thing that I've known from my earliest childhood years (thank you Mario Bros.) it's that lava is fucking bad. And fire rain? Shit. Clearly this is what the Super Earthlings have in plan for us regular schmucks. Clearly they plan to Helliform Earth, yes I just made that word up. But there's no denying that's where this is heading.

Maybe Stalin coming back really is the only hope we have in this situation. Seems like he's got experience fighting extra terrestrials after all. And he IS the "Man of Steel" ... hmmm, think I might just be onto something here.

Rumblings from the Kremlin = Possible Mecha Stalin?

This definitely happened.

Recently it seems like Russia has been trying to spruce up the image of their old beloved leader, Joey "The Original Man of Steel" Stalin.

It all started last year when a Russian school book began referring to their former leader as an "effective manager" and the hero who led them to victory in World War II. In the past Russia has painted the former dictator in a harsher light, painting him as a murderer and tyrant.

But it seems Russians are warming up to him more and more, last year in an online poll he was voted the third greatest Russian ever, regardless of his Georgian roots. And earlier this year the Moscow metro station re-installed a bronze plaque praising Stalin that had previously been removed.

Now in more recent news, Stalin's grandson is taking a Russian news paper to court, after it published an article saying Stalin personally signed off on the deaths of Soviets. Yevgeny Dzhugashvili, Stalin's grandson, is saying that is a lie, while the paper, the Novaya Gazeta, is saying declassified death warrants have Stalin's own signature on them. A Moscow court has agreed to hear the case, and Stalin supporters gathered outside of the court house yesterday were quick to support the legacy of the former dictator. Supporters cited times when Russia was still "respected and feared" referring to Russians now simply as "beggars."

Sounds to me like the Old Bear wants to wake up from it's slumber, and they've really only know one way to do that, bring back Stalin. I mean if he could have won World War II while fighting not only Nazis, but Martians, what can the man not do for Russia? But how will we see Stalin return?

Mecha Stalin?

Hybrid Man-Bear Stalin?

Or just good old Zombie Stalin?

It's clear the Ruskies have some kind of aberration of nature coming down the ol' Pipeline. But what will it be, and what will the results of such a horrific being be? Will the United States respond with Mecha Patton? Zombie FDR? Or Hybrid Man-Eagle Obama? It's far too soon to tell, but we should all at this moment be grateful that the United States, in the form of Sarah Palin's backyard, is keeping their eyes on this situation.

Teen Burgular Finding Amazing Ways to Spend Bonus Time

Edit: Bonus Time Scientist Rachel has deducted that Colt is actually a CIA Agent on the run, and that this CNN article is a smear campaign. That's fucking science for you. Keep on runnin' Colt.

Someone in Washington state is stealing planes and crashing them for fun. Police aren't 100% sure who has been stealing planes, flying them around, then crashing them and walking away seemingly unscathed, but they've got a good idea.

Police believe an 18 year old named Colton Harris Moore is the culprit. Colton, or "Colt" as he is known as, has a long criminal history dating back to when he was 12 and broke into his school. The young man has since then lived on his own, apparently squatting in houses that are unoccupied at the time, or simply living out in the woods on his own. He has known to steal cars, boats, and homes. One of his favorite things to steal from homes is credit card information, which he uses to buy digital cameras, police scanners, and video games.

Now police believe he has moved onto these crimes, which are a big step up from theft and squatting. While they don't have any solid evidence quite yet, police believe vomit found in one of the crashed planes may prove to be his. They also feel that the crimes fit his 'profile' describing him as a 'feral child.'

This article has more information about him, and it's a hell of a read. Apparently the kid's almost been caught a few times, and has dove from cars to evade police, island hopped around Washington, and one time when he was actually caught he simply walked away from a juvenile detention facility he was being kept in.

Colton we here at Bonus Time salute you, not just because you seem to be bat shit nuts, but because you're living your Bonus Time to the fullest. Going around and committing such hilarious crimes as stealing credit cards for video games, and crashing planes for fun is great. Keep it up Colt, and just hope that next time the police catch up to you, they don't put you somewhere with a fence.

Bonus Time Villains

So if you're familiar with the facebook fan page , and as I'm sure you've seen on here, we have certain people who we consider "Villains of Bonus Time." These are people who we at Bonus Time feel have incredible opportunities, but either abuse said opportunities or squander them. Products or services that waste people's time have also fallen under the villains category. Below are a few of the established villains, and some of the reasons we here at Bonus Time hate them.

Kanye West - Like you didn't see this one coming? Sure, Kanye makes entertaining music from time to time, but aside from that he seems to be actually trying to come off as a complete prick to the rest of the world. Kanye has declared himself the "voice of a generation", the "new king of pop", and is generally an overly egotistical douche.

When the blog was first really getting going I was gonna write about the whole Taylor Swift thing. In the end there was much more interesting news out there, but it's the perfect example of Kanye not just ruining HIS Bonus Time by being a jack ass, but ruining another persons Bonus Time by being a complete tool. Taylor Swift is like 10 years old as far as I can tell, if not for Bonus Time she would have barely even existed.

Anyway, the list goes on and on for Kanye. He comes off as self centered, overly egotistical even in an industry that is predominantly about ego, and you know what? Bonus Time is the voice of a generation, your move West.

Octomom - Stupid, this is honestly why we should have more cullings of the general population. I really don't have to write anything else, right? If you don't get why she's a complete asshole, or how she's ruined multiple lives then stop reading my blog. Seriously.

Durrrrrf

The Free Credit Report.com Guys - There's actually a few ways you can look at these guys. Apparently they are actually a band, and have found success during Bonus Time, but good god they could not have gone about it in a worse way. Fuck now their song is stuck in my head again. Hocking a bullshit website that I've actually heard is getting shut down because it ISN'T free? No.

Make some real music, they seem to be somewhat talented and I'm sure they could be using their Bonus Time in much better ways.

Carlos Mencia - This guy is the total package, not only is he a noted joke stealer, but he's not even actually what he claims to be. If you've ever unfortunately had to suffer through any of his horrible act, you'll note that his big thing is that he's Mexican. Well he's not, he's from Honduras!

Kanye actually almost gets off of the villains list for killing this guy on South Park. If you haven't seen the video of Joe Rogan calling this guy out check it out (at the bottom of this post).

Thank god his show isn't on TV anymore, although Comedy Central probably just replaced it with some other unfunny, untolerable garbage. Lying and stealing land you on our villains list, Neddie boy.

The Io Digital Cable Commercial Guy - One time when myself and Miguel (the co-creator of Bonus Time who's been silent on the blog... thus far) got upset Bonus Time had kinda gone stale, we decided to flood some of our favorite members with this asshole's commercial just to show them how bad Bonus Time can go wrong if you neglect it. Stupid racial stereotypes are stupid.

That's it for now, more villains are listed on our rarely updated Facebook Fan Page, so check em out if you're interested. Do you not agree with me on some of these villains, do you have someone who you think SHOULD be a villain? Post a comment, really, it's okay I won't bite. Plus we're still doing the contest... you could win beer!

2004 The Year My Beer Gut Was Born!

Slow news day today, so here's some Bonusy stuff that took place in 2004. My personal favorite is the exploding whale. Fuck "Year of Rice" let's rename 2004 International Year of the Exploding Whale, who's with me?

2004

International Year of Rice

January 26 – A whale explodes in Tainan City, Taiwan, while being transported through the town to a university for a necropsy.[1]

February 4 – Facebook was founded at Cambridge, Massachussetts.

April 29 – The last Oldsmobile rolls off of the assembly line.

May 16 – The We Are the Future Concert takes place in Rome, organized by Quincy Jones in partnership with the Glocal Forum.

June 12 – A 1.3 kg chondrite type meteorite strikes a house in Ellerslie, New Zealand, causing serious damage but no injuries.

July 1 – The Cassini-Huygens spacecraft arrives at Saturn?

August 1 – A supermarket fire in Asunción, Paraguay, kills about 400 and leaves over 100 missing.

September 23 – Mount St. Helens becomes active again.

October 24 – Brazil successfully launches its first rocket into space. The universe is now hot.

November 28 – A male Po'o-uli dies of avian malaria at the Maui Bird Conservation Center in Olinda before it can breed, making the species in all probability extinct.

Samurai Justice > All Other Justice

YES HE DESERVES TO DIE, AND I HOPE HE BURNS IN HELL!

Note: Wrote this yesterday but the blog died.

This is probably the coolest news story I've ever heard. I've heard it from like a thousand news sources, but the one I'm referencing is gonna be AM New York. Mainly because I read AM on the train every morning to try to look like a grown up, and while it's usually only good for helping me not fall asleep, it helped me get some weird looks when I started laughing at an article.

Anyway....

This weekend in Flatbush the legend of Afro Samurai lived on, as following an altercation over a neighbor making a pass at his wife, Oscar Joseph, 37, decided to get out his 26 inch long samurai sword and go to town on his neighbor. His neighbor, the nefarious Major Mackerel (Okay fine, he's a reggae artist that goes by his name, but it still sounds like a cheesy super villain in my opinion) was wounded on his hand, wrist, elbow, AND HEAD. The best part is, when asked by the Daily News about the event Mackerel simply replied, "I don't feel bad, these things happen."

I would absolutely not be that okay if I was chopped in the head with a 2 foot long samurai sword, even if I had been hitting on a guys lady. Punch in the face? Fine, I probably deserved it. But samurai sword to the dome, amazing.

Both of these gentlemen are heroes. Oscar for using a samurai sword to dish out justice, and Mackerel simply for being so damn cool about it. I wonder who the chick sides with after all of this, that may explain Mackerel's demeanor, after all I'm sure all of you ladies are for chivalry, but samurai swords do enter the realm of creepy. And Mackerel, he's a Major. We all know chicks love two things, bad ass scars, and a guy in a uniform.

We're back!

After what I can only assume were like a million hours of down time, we are back! Sorry that Monday was lame, but all I could put up was that dumb article about Gaga, and even I knew that was kinda iffy. Promise Tues will be better... then again it's 2:30,and I shoulda been in bed hours ago... shit.

Be the onus mother fuckers.

Lady Gaga's Pre-Clownie Days

I found the above video to be pretty funny, if you couldn't figure it out the red headed chick is lady gaga on boiling point before she joined the circus.

I'm not sure what her deal is to be completely honest, I'm not even sure I'd heard one of her songs until a friend made me watch her scarey performance at this years VMA's (I still have nightmares). But I've heard a lot of hilarious things about this chick (including that she has a penis) and she generally dresses like a complete asshole wherever she goes, so it's pretty funny to see her looking normal. I mean thus far I had assumed she had been raised either by wolves, beyond pluto, or in some kind of stupid future.

How does this relate to Bonus Time? I dunno, don't dress like a dickhead? Ahh wait I got it, no chicks with dicks.

The Wittiest

Happy October

Yay October!

Although September feels like it never actually happened, it's now October. October's a great month especially for Bonus Time. October is one of the more mischeavous months, and I decided to make a short guide of some fun Bonus related activities that you and your friends can do during October.

• Hunt Ghosts: Everyone knows the restless souls of the not so dearly departed are always more in touch with this plane of existence in October. What's more fun then finding some mystically endowed chains and beating some ghosts into undeath. Ghosts are also more pissed now because it's Bonus Time, and those dead assholes don't get to experience it to the fullest. I'm gonna go ghost hunting with some of my friends after work. You're not invited!

• Apple Fight: Yeah Apples! Apples are like everywhere during the fall. Traditionally you might think of something as simple as a crab apple fight, or a pine cone fight or some shit, but skip all of that and go right for an Apple Fight. Apples are great to watch explode, and what's better then watching one burst into pieces as it collides with one of your dearest friends faces. If you knock your friends teeth out you get Bonus points, holy shit, more Bonus!

• Ruin Some Corn Mazes: Corn Mazes are good for one thing, throwing corn up into the air and hoping it hits some other lost asshole in the head. That's why it's important that if you find yourself in a corn maze that you do your best to ruin it. Blaze your own path by kicking and stomping down the Corn walls that friendly farmers have prepared for you. It's a lot of fun, and it's a great work out!

• Getting Tanked on Seasonal Drinks: Not only is there a bunch of really good beers this time of year, but my friend Claire said that if you put rum in ANYTHING this time of year you can get away with it by calling it a Hot Toddy. That name sounds fun, so you won't look like as much of an alcoholic around friends and loved ones.

• Throwing Pumpkins at Things: Nothing is quite as satisfying as lobbing a pumpkin at something with all of your might. One time I had a girlfriend whose deaf father loved to carve jack o lanterns, it was really his thing. So one day I picked one of his pumpkins up and threw it at her car. It ruled.

• Halloween: I'll focus more on this around the end of the month, but girls this is your excuse to dress like complete whores. And guys this is that great time of the year when you think girls are gonna stop dressing like complete whores because summer is over, but then they pull one last night of dressing like whores out and it's amazing. Plus it's an excuse to get absolutely tanked on some of those hot toddys I was talking about earlier.

• Putting Gigantic Rocks In Leaf Piles: This is a double win because not only do assholes who jump in your leaf pile to ruin it get hurt, but assholes who drive through your leaf piles to ruin them get their cars completely ruined.

Chime in with your favorite fall activities in the comment section, and maybe if they're Bonus Worthy enough i'll make a second post. Oh and thanks again Claire for helping me think up a few of these!

And The Lord Sayeth Onto Thee: Choppeth Some Copeths Hands Offeth

I spent a half hour trying to find a picture of a priest with an axe. Or at least someone missing their hands, I even looked for Deadpool missing his hands cause that's a shoe in, right? Wrong. Anyway, does someone wanna be my image editing bitch? I'm not going to pay you anything but I'll give you credit. It probably wouldn't be that many, maybe 1-2 a day? Tops? E-mail Bonustimes@gmail.com if you're interested. I can't photoshop for shit and I really wish that guy had at least a priest collar in that picture. Anyway, onto the article....

Before I start the alternate title to this post was "So My Pastor Is An Axe Murderer" but anyway....

Pastor Curtis Watts decided one day that he was a man of god, so he founded his own ministry down in good ol' Clay County Alabama.

Pastor Watts also decided one day to beat the shit out of his wife. We have to assume the decisions were unrelated.

So the cops came, and the Pastor was unruly, and by unruly I mean waiting in his kitchen with a rifle. So the cops decided to help the Pastor find his way back onto the path of piece, with the aid of three tazers to take the old fella down, impressive I know.

But the story doesn't end here, afterall I promised an Axe, and a cop getting maimed. When the police came back to the house to serve Pastor Watts with a retraining order from his wife, he was ready with a slightly more biblical weapon. This time Pastor Watts had an axe, and when the serving officer tried to tazer the man once again, Watts was ready. With what must have been one incredible swing Pastor Watts took the officers hand off. At this point officers accompanying the maimed police man opened fire on the Pastor, sending him off to Jesus.

A beautiful tale I know, but here's where it gets screwie. According to this article, the officers hand was sewn back on. This brings to light two questions.

• How exactly does that work? If Watts took the guys hand off, how was it re attached? I'm really not sure how this works, but I have to imagine the hand is no longer functional? At what angle and what kind of cut did Watts get on this guy?

• And two, why did he not opt for an Evil Dead chainsaw hand as opposed to the regular hand. If you're dealing with insane Pastors in Clay County Alabama one would hope that you learn your lesson the first time you get your hand chopped off. I'd come packing something more on the level next time, but maybe that's just me.

Hail to the king, baby.

Anyway, I definitely felt that this fell under the crazy fucking shit that goes on during Bonus Time section, hope you enjoyed it.

Sionara "Missing Link"

This picture has nothing to do with the article.
It does have everything to do with why you are on this site though.

We've all heard of the legendary "missing link," the half man half monkey connection between apes and humans. For generations scientists have searched the globe far and wide, hoping to discover evidence of the creature, and once and for all permanently link man and ape on the evolutionary scale. Legends of Yetis, Big Foots, and Sasquatches have sprung up across many a mountain side, all supporting the idea that such a creature existed. And through our belief in this creature we have become close to our supposed primate relatives, teaching them to count, drink their own pee, smoke, and even star in amazing movies like Congo.

However according to this article, all of that has now changed.

Scientists have discovered human fossil remains that date back over 4.2 million years, a solid million years older than Lucy, the previous title holder for the oldest human remains. Ardipithecus ramidus - the new species, is much more man than ape, and because of this fact coupled with it's age, the idea of a much more ape like missing link are being thrown out completely.

This also means that man's long standing belief that studying chimpanzee behavior would give some insight into how our ancestors behaved is also irrelevant. The characteristics that the creature shows are simply not in line with those of an ape or gorilla, and date back to much earlier apes.

Scientists are already calling this a bigger find than Lucy, this is something that is huge. Realistically, if everything pans out with this, it could be one of the biggest and greatest discoveries in all of our life times. And of course, if not for Bonus Time it would have never taken place.