Bonus Time Goes Green Day 2

Yum!

Ahoy, Boners! Time for Day 2 of Bonus Time Going Green! Today we're going to discuss everyone's favorite futuristic food source; Man!

It's no secret that there is a serious food shortage on this planet, and that said shortage is seriously screwing with people's Bonus Time. Some people might argue for alternative forms of farming, such as farming on roof tops of cities, some might say increase cattle or poultry breeding, others would look at their own right arm and salivate. And why not?

Now I'm not saying we should go out and invest in wholesale slaughter of human beings. This isn't some kind of Apocalyptic every man for himself scenario, more an idea for recycling, safe recycling. An average human male likely has at least 100 pounds of edible meat on him at the time of his death, so why should we just throw that body in the ground for worms to eat? People are much cooler than worms, we have hair!

If we all knew we were going to be eaten one day it might inspire us to take better care of our bodies as well. If you know that one day you're going to be sliced up and dined upon, wouldn't you take better care of yourself? I daresay it would be down right embarrassing to be someone's dish that they turned away because the cut was too fatty, or because the aftertaste was too eerily similar to that of White Castle Burgers. Hell, eating our own population could actually end up fighting obesity in the long term as well.

This would also alleviate the stress on our nations already overcrowded graveyard system. Did you know that some of the most high profile graveyards in the country have a 10+ year long waiting list to get into? That high profile gravesites can sometimes cost more than a home itself? And isn't it everyday that we hear in the news, an ashamed parent admitting they've pissed away their child's college savings to secure themselves a coveted burial plot?

It's time to fight back against world hunger, and graveyard overpopulation, and start eating our dearly departed.

Flying Cars? Ehhh....

Flying Car or Kiddie Pool? You be the judge.

In the spirit of the New Future, I've decided to approach the idea of Flying Cars. Much like the idea of deep space travel, flying cars are certainly something to expect during Bonus Time. After all, it seems the possibilities for what man can achieve during Bonus Time are endless. So why not flying cars? Well there are actually some fairly good arguments against the flying car, ones that we're going to discuss today.

Now first let me say, in it's essence the idea is great, who wouldn't want a flying car? I know I would, and pretty much anyone you ask would want one. But therein lies some of the problem.

Now this may be because I grew up driving on the LIE, and currently live in Brooklyn NY, but 90% of drives on the road are absolutely terrible. Now take the fact that if you were in a flying car you would be driving something with not only a much wider range of movement than a regular car, but the fact that it would likely need a much larger, much more explosion prone engine and you've got a serious problem. Imagine some asshole decides to text and accidentally puts his car into the side of a building instead of someone's rear end?

How could this be avoided? Insurance is the easiest answer, but the cost of that would be monumental. This instantly creates an us and them for a product that every consumer is going to assume they're entitled to.

Accidents could also be avoided through proper training. This however would likely be incredibly time and money extensive. We live in a society of instant gratification, order anything online and have it delivered to you the next day. It's unlikely every Tom Dick and Harry would go through flying car training without bitching and moaning, or even take it as seriously as they should. The price tag on training alone would also likely be quite high.

Not to mention the development, and manufacturing of a product that isn't in anyway guaranteed to be a success. In the current financial atmosphere, with additional consideration for what a shit position the auto industry is in, it's tough to say that we're going to see flying cars any time soon. In fact I would argue that you will see commercial space travel before you see actual flying personal automobiles.

Now that's not to say that the idea isn't amazing, or that we here at Bonus Time think it can't happen, but in the short term? Probably not. Sorry if I've made you all flaccid over this article Boners, but there's a lot that goes into flying cars, and I just don't think we're ready for it as a society yet. Think I'm wrong? Chime in the comments section, or send hate mail to bonustimes@gmail.com!

Attack of the Extras

Fuck.

This young man exemplifies what appears to be some kind of sonic vocal attack abilities, as well as the ability to entice and mind control the young girls in this video. Are his powers routed in his being an Extra? Or is it his perfectly round young body that gives him the abilities he possesses? Regardless, I'm hungry for a burrito.

Bonus Time Mailbag

Live there die there.

Ahoy Boners, today we have something new! Someone wrote me a letter! And because it was such an important letter I've decided to share it with all of you, in what will hopefully be an ongoing segment: Bonus Time Mailbag.

Dear Bonus Time,

I can't stop thinking about extras. I am pretty sure their powers are going to emerge in 2012, when the Mayans reanimate to rage a epic war on humanity and fulfill their own prophecy of the end of the world. The question is, what will the powers of the child warriors be?
I am writing something on this matter. I wake up at dawn nearly every morning, write a paragraph or 2 in some kind of mystical trance and then fall back asleep for 3 hours. I don't know what this means, but I will tell you that the handwriting on the page of Donnie Osmond notebook every morning is not mine. Not. Mine.

-Sara


Dear Sara,

Thank you for taking the time to write! I see that you've read our segment on Extras, children born during Bonus Time, and that you've taken quite an interest in them! The idea that Extras are going to one day get super powers is certainly one that is equal parts amazing, and completely realistic. Why would a group of people born during Bonus Time not be extra special?

The idea that they might one day rise up to crush this world is certainly possible, but by the time 2012 rolls around the oldest will only be 12, and easily distracted with a Jonas Brothers CD, or by peer pressuring them into trying drugs for the first time! I think you'll see that Extras won't really be all that big of a deal when 2012 rolls around. I will say though that your idea of Mayans re animating and destroying the world is certainly an interesting one. While Bonus Time doesn't officially support the idea that the world is going to end in 2012, that might be something for our scientists to look at!

As for your own sleep problems, there are a few things that may be going on here. The following things may be your problem:

• You're not reading enough Bonus Time Blog before you go to bed. Bonus Time Blog has a patented formula that puts you at a sense of great ease, and happiness. This is proven to help people drift off to dreamland easier. Give it a shot!
• You're possessed by an Extra! It's possible that you're possessed by an extra that has either manifested their powers and are trapped in a corporeal form, or a deceased extra has decided to use your body as a puppet to achieve it's own devious ends!
• You are yourself a time displaced Extra, suffering from some type of amnesia, and your true subconscious form can only come out during dreams. If this is the case, fuck you!

I hope that my response has been both helpful and insightful!

Your Pal,
Stef

Dear Bonus Time,

During wolf weekend month, is it imperative to wear wolf t-shirts over the weekends?

I've been looking into buying a wolf shirt for a while now and have been weighing the options in terms of wear-ability in social and formal situations, comfort and possible magic powers. In my research I have found that "the three moon wolf shirt" has consistently received the highest praise from users whose opinions I trust and value.
Take a look here:
http://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Three-Short-Sleeve-Black/dp/B000NZW3KC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=apparel&qid=1262971785&sr=8-1

Do the editors of Bonus Time have any suggestions on equally wearable/ comfortable/ magic wolf shirts?

Thanks,

Max


Dear Max,

Thanks for taking the time to write us here at Bonus Time! As for your question there is really only one answer, yes, absolutely, and if you're not wearing a wolf t shirt over wolf weekend month prepare to get gum put in your hair.

Yes, gum.

The three moon wolf is a classic, which we refer to here at Bonus Time HQ as the "AMAZING." But there are of course many other options, and as you ARE being graded you should know that you are receiving points for originality. How bout this bad boy?

http://www.amazon.com/T-shirt-Cotton-ADULTS-Short-Sleeve/dp/B000I7Q6U8/ref=pd_sbs_a_4

Fantastic if you're ridiculously patriotic, and who isn't?

http://www.amazon.com/T-Shirt-Mountain-Evolution-Cotton-Sleeve/dp/B001UK8ZLK/ref=pd_sbs_a_1

I liked this one because it shows the inner beast that's inside all of us, clawing to get out and attack as we impatiently on so many Starbucks lines.

I hope these shirt suggestions have helped you get on track, and that you'll be able to pick a Wolf t shirt that not only represents you, but the fact that you love wolves so much that you're willing to look like you live in your mom's basement. Happy hunting, tiger ... ur, wolf...guy...!

Sincerely,
Stef

That's all for the mailbag for now! Drop us a line at bonustimes@gmail.com (note: times, not time) if there's anything you're wondering and I'll get back to you, or just chime in the comments section below!

The Bonus Time Blog Has Gone Green

God bless my ability (or lack thereof) to edit images.

Friends I'm sure you've realized by now, and are incredibly excited about the fact that the Bonus Time Blog has gone green! That's right, almost every font on this site is now Green, in preparation for the greatest holiday on Earth, St. Patrick's Day. to support the Earth or some shit our wonderful Planet Earth!

Now you may be asking yourself a very serious questions right now. Why should I give a shit about the Earth? It's Bonus Time isn't it? If we're living on borrowed time, why do we care?

And those are very good questions! It's true, taking care of the Earth has typically been for nerds that just want to bitch about a subject that people will actually listen to (unlike their Star Wars collectibles), and it's a science fact that littering is ridiculously fun, and don't even get me started on burning garbage!

This monkey is smoking, which is cool. This monkey probably litters too.

So why should you give a shit about the Planet Earth. Well there's a simple math equation behind that friend, more time on Earth = More Bonus Time in general. And until we get our fleet of space ships up and going, we're gonna have to take care of this planet. It's because of this that I've decided to share some tips on help keeping the environment safe and clean.

• Destroy Homeless People

This first one is a surprisingly helpful tip. You see recycling is good, right? And all good little Boners out there separate their recycling from their regular trash. Now we all assume just because we go out and get our designer little blue bags, and put our recycling separate from our trash that it's going to get recycled. That's where you would be absolutely fucking wrong. You see as soon as you put your recycling out of the curb, it sends out a signal to all of the homeless in a 3 mile radius. There's fresh bottles for the taking, and it's time to feast.

You see putting out recyclables in the habitat of a homeless person is like putting blood in the water, just like a shark they're going to be all over it almost instantly. But Bonus Time, you may be saying, the homeless just take the bottles to get recycled themselves, they're helping. Well that's where you'd be wrong.

You see in our "Going Green" effort, Bonus Time has captured several feral homeless, and subjected them to a series of degrading, humiliating, and sub-human experiments. In our studies we have determined that homeless do not actually turn these bottles in, instead they feed off of them. You see it's only a healthy and constant diet of shredded glass that can properly keep a homeless persons insanity levels right where they want them, at their absolute peak.

It's also a common misconception that the physiology of a homeless person is similar to a regular human beings. Bonus Time scientists have also determined that this is not the case, and instead of disposing of waste the way regular, and hilarious way that other humans do, homeless create two completely separate bi-products when they're done eating your recycling; Green House Gas, and Anthrax. Anthrax that they then immediately trade to Al Quaida in exchange for cheap wine, and cardboard to make their signs out of.

That's right folks, not only are the homeless a threat to all of the Earth, but to America itself.

Next time you see a homeless peacefully passed out in a puddle of their own filth and biological weaponry, destroy them, with extreme prejudice.

That's your tip for today, check back soon because we'll have more tips for keeping Green as the Bonus Time winds on!

cAN YOU FEEL IT!?

North Pole on the Run!

Maaaan on the ruuuun.

According to this article from the internet, the North pole is moving. And no not in some silly "the ice is melting" sense, in that actual magnetic north is moving, and at an alarming rate. The pole itself is now moving at 37 miles a year toward America's most ancient enemy, Russia. That may not seem like something that's moving very quickly, but keep in mind that 100 years ago the pole was moving at only 9 miles per year, and in the other direction, toward freedom.

Scientists believe that the movement may be a natural fluctuation, or even a switching of the poles, an event thought to take place about every 300,000 years (it's been 780,000 since the last swap). This scenario would be terrible news, as the swap would devastate the Earth and likely wipe man off of the planet. The other theory is that the magnetic field itself is actually dispersing, another terrible reality as without the field we'd be fried by the sun in about 3 seconds. Both Doomsday scenarios, and you know how we love a Doomsday scenario here at Bonus Time! However we've decided to take a crack at this one and certainly hope that you'll find our scenarios far more believable than the hocus pocus science bullshit you might have heard.

First Scenario:

Super Earth is using a giant space vacuum to steal our magnetic field.

Yes - as in the cult classic space tale 'Spaceballs' it is entirely possible that Super Earth is using some kind of giant laser, or vacuum, to steal or destroy our Magnetic Field. Now I've gone over the threat of Super Earth before, and I'm sure it's one that you're already familiar with. But for any new comers, let me spell it out to you. Super Earth is a gigantic planet, about a million times the size of Earth and they've got it out for us. You see Super Earth is not the most hospitable place to live, it rains fire and the seas shit blood, Super Earthicans as far as we can tell revel in only one thing: the complete and utter destruction of Regular Earth.

And as we've seen so far, they'll stop at almost nothing to get to us. Whether by using psychological warfare in Australia, or sending their Titanic babies to destroy our population, it's clear they know no restraint when it comes to wiping our little blue and green ball of mud off of the face of the galaxy. It's now clear that they've turned their sights on us once again, in an even more deadly than ever show of force.

There is however a second theory, one that may be even more deadly than the first:

Mecha Stalin has teamed up with Magneto and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants in an attempt to destroy Bonus Time and human life on Earth!

Yeah THIS Magneto.

If you haven't had a heart attack by now, I don't know what will phase you, and you may very well be a robot yourself!

I -- I'm sorry, let me relax for a moment. It's just that the nature of the crime, and where the pole is heading only really tell us two things very plainly, that Magneto and Joseph Stalin are very likely involved. As mentioned a few months back, it's very likely that Joseph Stalin is back and it's very likely he's got an axe to grind with his old nemesis America.

Now it's common knowledge that this country pretty much owns everything worthwhile, but let's go over a short list:

• The Moon
• Cheeseburgers
• Beer
• Skittles
• And of course, Christmas and therefore the North Pole

If Russia is to steal the North Pole they pretty much own Christmas too. And if America loses their grasp on Christmas, you can pretty much say goodbye to everything you love about it.

Ridiculous consumerism?

Done.

Jews that get Christmas presents anyway?

Done.

Kwanza?

Done.

As you can see this threat stands to effect pretty much everyone on Earth. Plus what kind of psychological effect will that have on us? If Russia takes the North Pole then what's next, Apple Pie, Baseball, Childhood obesity?

And who better for Stalin to team with other than Magneto? He's got a checkered history of hating America and humans in general. And you may be saying, wait a minute why would Magneto team with Stalin a known human? Well the answer there is that Magneto has either made this temporary alliance to benefit himself for the time being, or there's more to Stalin's resurrection than meets the eye, perhaps he too is a mutant.

Only time will tell which of these two evils are truly at work here, but stay alert Boners. Sooner or later action is going to have to be taken against this very real, and very anti-Bonus threat. And I daresay tinfoil hats may not even save us this time!

Obligatory FOLLOW US Post

Do it.

Yes well, that is not to say that we don't feel like you all wouldn't follow us to the ends of the Earth, because we know you would. However we're more interested in your digital selves, and hope that if you are not already that you'll consider following Bonus Time on Facebook and Twitter. After all, if there is any way to measure pure COOL in a number, it's how many Facebook Fans and Twitter followers you have. Facebook is doing okay, but Twitter is practically flatlining, and were it not for ourselves and a few porno adds I fear that we'd be left with nothing at all. So be a pal and click on the boxes on the left, we'll love love love you for it.

Miracle Anniversary

Dr. Quinn references are the best references.

Believe it or not it's been one year since Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger crash landed his passenger airplane on the Hudson River. Crash landed is of course probably the wrong term to use, as the pilot, after experiencing severe engine failure was able to save the lives of everyone on the plane. In a few moments of focus, keeping his cool, and stepping up under pressure, Sully saved the lives of 155 people, effectively extending the Bonus Time of all those on board beyond the paltry 9 years they would have been forced to settle with.

It is because of this (and the fact that we didn't really have anything on the web during January of last year) that we here at Bonus Time have decided to salute Sully, and officially make him a hero of Bonus Time. It's one thing to live your Bonus Time to the fullest, but it's another to save the Bonus Time of other people.

And for you readers I hope your ears are perking up (so to speak) as you read, because there's something inherently special about this anniversary, and about this hero. We have discussed in the past with you that Bonus Time exists, but this is the first mention of Bonus Time being something one can extend. So next time you make a decision, think twice. Not only will it effect your Bonus Time, but it may just end up effecting how much Bonus Time you actually have.

TRIPPY, BRO.