Maaaan on the ruuuun.According to this article from the internet, the North pole is moving. And no not in some silly "the ice is melting" sense, in that actual magnetic north is moving, and at an alarming rate. The pole itself is now moving at 37 miles a year toward America's most ancient enemy, Russia. That may not seem like something that's moving very quickly, but keep in mind that 100 years ago the pole was moving at only 9 miles per year, and in the other direction, toward freedom.
Scientists believe that the movement may be a natural fluctuation, or even a switching of the poles, an event thought to take place about every 300,000 years (it's been 780,000 since the last swap). This scenario would be terrible news, as the swap would devastate the Earth and likely wipe man off of the planet. The other theory is that the magnetic field itself is actually dispersing, another terrible reality as without the field we'd be fried by the sun in about 3 seconds. Both Doomsday scenarios, and you know how we love a Doomsday scenario here at Bonus Time! However we've decided to take a crack at this one and certainly hope that you'll find our scenarios far more believable than the hocus pocus science bullshit you might have heard.
First Scenario:
Scientists believe that the movement may be a natural fluctuation, or even a switching of the poles, an event thought to take place about every 300,000 years (it's been 780,000 since the last swap). This scenario would be terrible news, as the swap would devastate the Earth and likely wipe man off of the planet. The other theory is that the magnetic field itself is actually dispersing, another terrible reality as without the field we'd be fried by the sun in about 3 seconds. Both Doomsday scenarios, and you know how we love a Doomsday scenario here at Bonus Time! However we've decided to take a crack at this one and certainly hope that you'll find our scenarios far more believable than the hocus pocus science bullshit you might have heard.
First Scenario:
Super Earth is using a giant space vacuum to steal our magnetic field.
Yes - as in the cult classic space tale 'Spaceballs' it is entirely possible that Super Earth is using some kind of giant laser, or vacuum, to steal or destroy our Magnetic Field. Now I've gone over the threat of Super Earth before, and I'm sure it's one that you're already familiar with. But for any new comers, let me spell it out to you. Super Earth is a gigantic planet, about a million times the size of Earth and they've got it out for us. You see Super Earth is not the most hospitable place to live, it rains fire and the seas shit blood, Super Earthicans as far as we can tell revel in only one thing: the complete and utter destruction of Regular Earth.
And as we've seen so far, they'll stop at almost nothing to get to us. Whether by using psychological warfare in Australia, or sending their Titanic babies to destroy our population, it's clear they know no restraint when it comes to wiping our little blue and green ball of mud off of the face of the galaxy. It's now clear that they've turned their sights on us once again, in an even more deadly than ever show of force.
There is however a second theory, one that may be even more deadly than the first:
And as we've seen so far, they'll stop at almost nothing to get to us. Whether by using psychological warfare in Australia, or sending their Titanic babies to destroy our population, it's clear they know no restraint when it comes to wiping our little blue and green ball of mud off of the face of the galaxy. It's now clear that they've turned their sights on us once again, in an even more deadly than ever show of force.
There is however a second theory, one that may be even more deadly than the first:
Mecha Stalin has teamed up with Magneto and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants in an attempt to destroy Bonus Time and human life on Earth!
Yeah THIS Magneto.
Yeah THIS Magneto.If you haven't had a heart attack by now, I don't know what will phase you, and you may very well be a robot yourself!
I -- I'm sorry, let me relax for a moment. It's just that the nature of the crime, and where the pole is heading only really tell us two things very plainly, that Magneto and Joseph Stalin are very likely involved. As mentioned a few months back, it's very likely that Joseph Stalin is back and it's very likely he's got an axe to grind with his old nemesis America.
Now it's common knowledge that this country pretty much owns everything worthwhile, but let's go over a short list:
Ridiculous consumerism?
Done.
Jews that get Christmas presents anyway?
Done.
Kwanza?
Done.
As you can see this threat stands to effect pretty much everyone on Earth. Plus what kind of psychological effect will that have on us? If Russia takes the North Pole then what's next, Apple Pie, Baseball, Childhood obesity?
And who better for Stalin to team with other than Magneto? He's got a checkered history of hating America and humans in general. And you may be saying, wait a minute why would Magneto team with Stalin a known human? Well the answer there is that Magneto has either made this temporary alliance to benefit himself for the time being, or there's more to Stalin's resurrection than meets the eye, perhaps he too is a mutant.
Only time will tell which of these two evils are truly at work here, but stay alert Boners. Sooner or later action is going to have to be taken against this very real, and very anti-Bonus threat. And I daresay tinfoil hats may not even save us this time!
I -- I'm sorry, let me relax for a moment. It's just that the nature of the crime, and where the pole is heading only really tell us two things very plainly, that Magneto and Joseph Stalin are very likely involved. As mentioned a few months back, it's very likely that Joseph Stalin is back and it's very likely he's got an axe to grind with his old nemesis America.
Now it's common knowledge that this country pretty much owns everything worthwhile, but let's go over a short list:
- The Moon
- Cheeseburgers
- Beer
- Skittles
- And of course, Christmas and therefore the North Pole
Ridiculous consumerism?
Done.
Jews that get Christmas presents anyway?
Done.
Kwanza?
Done.
As you can see this threat stands to effect pretty much everyone on Earth. Plus what kind of psychological effect will that have on us? If Russia takes the North Pole then what's next, Apple Pie, Baseball, Childhood obesity?
And who better for Stalin to team with other than Magneto? He's got a checkered history of hating America and humans in general. And you may be saying, wait a minute why would Magneto team with Stalin a known human? Well the answer there is that Magneto has either made this temporary alliance to benefit himself for the time being, or there's more to Stalin's resurrection than meets the eye, perhaps he too is a mutant.
Only time will tell which of these two evils are truly at work here, but stay alert Boners. Sooner or later action is going to have to be taken against this very real, and very anti-Bonus threat. And I daresay tinfoil hats may not even save us this time!
