Attack of the Extras

Fuck.

This young man exemplifies what appears to be some kind of sonic vocal attack abilities, as well as the ability to entice and mind control the young girls in this video. Are his powers routed in his being an Extra? Or is it his perfectly round young body that gives him the abilities he possesses? Regardless, I'm hungry for a burrito.

The Bonus Time Blog Has Gone Green

God bless my ability (or lack thereof) to edit images.

Friends I'm sure you've realized by now, and are incredibly excited about the fact that the Bonus Time Blog has gone green! That's right, almost every font on this site is now Green, in preparation for the greatest holiday on Earth, St. Patrick's Day. to support the Earth or some shit our wonderful Planet Earth!

Now you may be asking yourself a very serious questions right now. Why should I give a shit about the Earth? It's Bonus Time isn't it? If we're living on borrowed time, why do we care?

And those are very good questions! It's true, taking care of the Earth has typically been for nerds that just want to bitch about a subject that people will actually listen to (unlike their Star Wars collectibles), and it's a science fact that littering is ridiculously fun, and don't even get me started on burning garbage!

This monkey is smoking, which is cool. This monkey probably litters too.

So why should you give a shit about the Planet Earth. Well there's a simple math equation behind that friend, more time on Earth = More Bonus Time in general. And until we get our fleet of space ships up and going, we're gonna have to take care of this planet. It's because of this that I've decided to share some tips on help keeping the environment safe and clean.

• Destroy Homeless People

This first one is a surprisingly helpful tip. You see recycling is good, right? And all good little Boners out there separate their recycling from their regular trash. Now we all assume just because we go out and get our designer little blue bags, and put our recycling separate from our trash that it's going to get recycled. That's where you would be absolutely fucking wrong. You see as soon as you put your recycling out of the curb, it sends out a signal to all of the homeless in a 3 mile radius. There's fresh bottles for the taking, and it's time to feast.

You see putting out recyclables in the habitat of a homeless person is like putting blood in the water, just like a shark they're going to be all over it almost instantly. But Bonus Time, you may be saying, the homeless just take the bottles to get recycled themselves, they're helping. Well that's where you'd be wrong.

You see in our "Going Green" effort, Bonus Time has captured several feral homeless, and subjected them to a series of degrading, humiliating, and sub-human experiments. In our studies we have determined that homeless do not actually turn these bottles in, instead they feed off of them. You see it's only a healthy and constant diet of shredded glass that can properly keep a homeless persons insanity levels right where they want them, at their absolute peak.

It's also a common misconception that the physiology of a homeless person is similar to a regular human beings. Bonus Time scientists have also determined that this is not the case, and instead of disposing of waste the way regular, and hilarious way that other humans do, homeless create two completely separate bi-products when they're done eating your recycling; Green House Gas, and Anthrax. Anthrax that they then immediately trade to Al Quaida in exchange for cheap wine, and cardboard to make their signs out of.

That's right folks, not only are the homeless a threat to all of the Earth, but to America itself.

Next time you see a homeless peacefully passed out in a puddle of their own filth and biological weaponry, destroy them, with extreme prejudice.

That's your tip for today, check back soon because we'll have more tips for keeping Green as the Bonus Time winds on!

Robot Learns to Love, Be Creepy About Said Love

I had this as a kid, it was probably my favorite toy. It could beat the T Rex from Jurassic Park in a fight. No one else could do that, not even like 5 raptors like the stupid end of Jurassic Park.

Over in Japan they're pretty big about robots, with a lot of the scientists who work on robots going as far as trying to teach robots to be human. A while back I did a story on robots that were learning to lie to one another. Well this time around the Japanese have taught a robot to love.

This actually all started back in March, where through intense breakthrough programming, scientists were able to teach a robot to love. Initially the software used to program the robots was simply there to get emotional reactions out of robots when outside stimuli were presented to them. The robot in question, Kenji, at first learned to "love" a stuffed doll. Kenji would hug the stuffed doll for hours on end, and at first simply ask, while somewhat naggingly, about the doll and it's well being if he did not have it.

Initially this was seen as a success, Kenji was showing empathy and devotion, they had made the robot feel. But as of last week, things kinda took a negative turn. Over the course of several months, Kenji's devotion had turned into an obsession. The program had continued to learn and grow, and did not necessarily see anything wrong with these actions. But now Kenji's creators are afraid to let people near him. Just last week Kenji trapped a young intern who regularly ran tests on him within his enclosure. He only let her out after she was able to get senior scientists to return to the facility and de-active Kenji. Now Kenji is not allowed to see any people, and while they've learned quite a bit from him, his creators fear he will have to be permanently deactivated, as anyone who approaches him now is embraced in his cold grip and is not allowed to escape.

A pretty crazy story, but right up there in Bonus Time news. It's a tough question you have to ask yourself when you hear about stuff like this involving robots. Kenji was only doing what he was programmed to do, and had in that sense good intentions. However he has clearly gone to far in his devotion to outside stimuli. Hopefully in the end this leads to something good, although in general the idea of robots with emotions is fairly disturbing.

Yes.

I am the law.

The other day a guy dressed as Colonel Sanders from KFC snuck into the United Nations headquarters in New York. It sounds pretty ridiculous, but it's true. And he didn't just sneak in and nab a free tour, he got into several restricted areas, and was even able to take a picture in the general assembly hall, and with the UN president guy.

The whole thing turned out to be a publicity stunt by KFC, apparently the Colonel also submitted a letter asking the UN to recognize the "Grilled Nation" behind KFCs new grilled chicken. I'm gonna stop for just a minute here.

Fuck KFC grilled chicken. If you're going to KFC, you know what you're doing. You're cramming fat down your throat at an alarming rate, and you're more than likely loving it. I eat KFC every so often, (I usually don't eat for a solid day after to even things out) I'm not saying it's bad. But the whole "we have healthy food now" thing is bullshit. Who are you trying to kid? Fat assholes in this stupid country are just gonna end up ordering Grilled Chicken, but with a side of fried chicken skin. And then they're just gonna fill up on the skin!

Anyway.... the UN acknowledges the event took place, and that there was a lapse in security. Good to see that an organization that is supposedly policing the world can be broken into by a guy dressed in a ridiculous costume and a dude with a camera. Although it would probably be scarier if the UN had actually let the guy in, and they were in the pocket of a fast food chain.

Anyway, the moral of the story is to eat fried chikin cuz its gud.

Check out the original article including actual pictures here.

2006, The Number 6 Sucks

SIZZZZZZZLE

Oh man, another facebook repost! This is the information that we decided was important about the year 2006! I know that most of you have already read and memorized everything on the facebook, but I figured I'd continue the theme of reposting these years because I know it makes you all so happy.

2006
International Year of Deserts and Desertification

January 1 – Sydney, Australia, has its warmest day on record, when the city reaches 45°C (113°F).

February 5 – Super Bowl XL: The Pittsburgh Steelers defeat the Seattle Seahawks 21-10

March 17 – The United States strikes its 2 remaining Iowa-class battleships from the Naval Vessel Register, ending the age of the battleship.

June 18 – The first Kazakh space satellite KazSat is launched.

July 11 – Microsoft ends Extended Support for Windows 98, Windows 98 Second Edition, and Windows Me as part of the Microsoft Lifecycle Policy.

August 24 – The International Astronomical Union defines 'planet' at its 26th General Assembly, demoting Pluto to the status of 'dwarf planet' more than 70 years after its discovery.

September 13 – The solar system's largest dwarf planet, designated until now as 2003 UB313, is officially named "Eris"; its satellite is now known as "Dysnomia".

October 10 – Google buys YouTube for USD $1.65 billion.
October 10 – Microsoft ends all public assisted support for Windows XP Service Pack 1 (SP1).

November 8 – A transit of Mercury occurs.

December 10 – Christer Fuglesang becomes the first Swede in space.

More Internet = Bigger Brain

"Grab your dicks and double click!"

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this article actually doesn't really have anything to do with porn. Oh wait, if you're a regular reader you already know the pictures rarely have much of anything to do with the actual articles, so no big deal.

Anyway, so you know how old people say computers rot your brains? Well now there's more scientific evidence than ever before that in fact their brains are rotting, and that regular internet use actually helps your brain.

The study that shows this is actually a follow up to a UCLA study done back in June. The study back in June actually found that people who regularly use the internet have more activity going on in the areas of their brains that deal with complex reasoning. Originally they believed that this was because people who were better equipped to deal with complex reasoning were more naturally drawn to the internet. There wasn't much steam behind this theory, and truthfully if you've ever interacted with random people on the internet you know that's pretty much bullshit.

This time around though they did a study on people ages 55-78. They took one group of people who used the internet, and another group who thought the internet was a new hip term the kids were using for devil worship, and did brain scans on them. After about a month of an hour a day of internet searching everyday, they found that the group who had not previously used the internet had more activity going on in the areas of the brain that deal with decision making and working memory.

So the internet can actually exercise your brain! Pretty cool, I'd say it's a far stretch that it actually makes you smarter. I mean yeah it helps you learn more useless shit... but aside from that I'm not sold. Keep reading the internet though folks, as it's officially NOT a waste of Bonus Time to sit on your ass in front of a computer.

Super Earth Sends Giant Death Gulls to Destroy Bonus Time

The title says it all and the video is proof. Super Earth has launched another attack against the Planet Earth, AGAIN targeting Australia in their attempts to destroy human morale. It's a shame that the Super Earthicans didn't realize that Australia is a nation of bad ass former prisoners, and if they mess with Australia or Bonus Time one more time, they're gonna have Russel Crowe on their asses. And he'll fight ANYTHING!

Is this cause for alarm? Yes. Panic? Absolutely. Rioting? Please get me a new TV while you're looting. Super Earth has stepped it up once again, yet the world's governments refuse to take the necessary steps to stand up against this alien threat. It's time to start making the tin foil hats and the fallout shelters folks, Super Earth is becoming more and more a real threat with each passing Bonus minute.

Snortin' the Seven Seas

C-c-c-c-c-c-c-yeaaaaaaaa

Next time you're busting out that 8-ball maybe think about where it came from. Why? Because authorities in Guatemala recently busted traffickers trying to sneak about 10,000 kilos of cocaine into the US. Oh and by the way, they were trying to sneak it in using a makeshift submarine they had built.

Yeah.

3 Guatemalans and a Mexican national were busted in international waters by the efforts of the United States and Guatemala. Pretty clever way to try and sneak your drugs around fellas, but if you can build makeshift submarines that can hold almost 22,000 pounds, then why not do something cooler with them? I mean A+ for ingenuity, and apparently a solid 1/3 of the cocaine that comes into the US is snuck in this way. But I dunno, I'd be a pirate or some shit if I had my own sub. Or do the whole living underwater thing. I'm kinda focusing on that a lot lately... maybe it's time to create a Bonus Time city -- UNDERWATER.

Anyway these guys are Bonus Time winners for trying to do something amazing like smuggle a shit ton of drugs around in a home made sub. But they're losers pretty much for the same reason, so I guess the lesson here is . . . get coked up and build shit? Yeah, that works.

Pirates Are the Coolest Part of Bonus Time

Arrrrrgh.

Somali pirates, I'm sure you've heard of them before. Basically one day they decided to stop sitting around and dying of famine all day, and take back from the rest of the world. And when they decided to take back they did so by sea, because that is how the world had taken from them, bringing disease, dumping toxic waste in their seas, and ravaging the fishy bounties of their waters for their own gain for years. Seems like the Somalians had simply had enough, or maybe one day one of them just realized that hey, it's Bonus Time.

The Somali pirates have recently made news headlines again for hijacking a Chinese freighter. This is bigger news than usual because lately warships from several nations, including the Chinese have upped their patrols in areas where the Somali pirates are known to strike. But like any good swashbuckling sea dogs, they laid in wait, and have once again struck.

And you know what? Good for them.

Most of the men who turn to piracy in Somalia were former fisherman. Because the country is so poor (almost 3/4 of the population lives on about $2 a day) they do not have a coast guard to stop foreign fishermen from coming in and taking their lively hood. So when the fishermen began to fight them off themselves, the next natural step for them was to turn to piracy.

There is also documentation of Somali pirates helping to revitalize poor seaside town's economies in Somalia. A rapid influx of cash from a ransom can quickly turn what was once a completely run down poor town into a bustling center of commerce.

Now of course they take to methods that are more violent then most people care for, but it's better then sitting around being robbed yourselves. And any asshole who spends their Bonus Time on a cargo ship sailing around the world pretty much has it coming anyway. Bonus Time says good for the Somali pirates, although we will be canceling our annual Bonus Cruise through the Indian Ocean.

OH and you know what? I was gonna make an AIDS joke in this article, but Somalia has one of the lowest HIV rates in all of Africa. And for that they get a gold star.

POISON DONT KILL PEOPLE OXYGEN KILLS PEOPLE

Now the Bends is stuck in your head. You're welcome.

Alright so I've pushed a lot of crazy ideas in your guys general direction over the last month or so. The sky's falling, martians are coming to eat our brains, Joseph Stalin's gonna be reading your bed time stories instead of mommy from now on, I know -- it's been a lot to swallow at times. But this one's gonna take a minute or two to wrap your head around.

According to a scientist, Oxygen kills people. Yes folks, take a deep breath.

Let's start from square one: if you don't have Oxygen you die, right? Right. Mr. Science Guy isn't saying that's not the case, if you suffocate you suffocate, if you drown you drown, so on and so forth. But he's saying in other tragic accidents like a heart attack or stroke, that a lack of Oxygen is actually a big factor in helping kill you. You see Oxygen rapidly not being in the body does a huge amount of damage in these situations, and if done quickly enough, a small amount of hydrogen sulfide (an ounce could kill dozens of couple) if used to replace oxygen, can actually put an animal into a state of suspension that will halt degradation due to a lack of oxygen.

FUCKING CRAZY.

So far it's only working on small creatures, when they tried the experiment on a pig it freaked out and died, but it could be huge for humans. I mean just think about it, take the oxygen out, and replace it with poison, and you've got a perfect state of suspension where doctors can ACTUALLY come back and save you. Beats the hell out of cryogenics, all that happens then is some hilarious people decide to play baseball with your head!

This whole thing sounds a little bat shit nutty, and admittedly in the original article the writer describes the guy as looking like a nut, but still this COULD be amazing. And it's all brought to you by Bonus time.

Up, Up, and Away!

Anything involving hot air balloons even remotely calls for the Hindenberg.

Some cool Bonus news out of Colorado. Apparently a man and his son were working on a home made do it yourself hot air balloon. Probably getting ready to escape Earth when Super Earth shows up, or just really enjoying their Bonus Time.

The story takes a bit of an odd twist, as while the father was not being attentive to the adventurous lad, he decided to take the hot air balloon for a spin. He surprisingly was able to get the makeshift craft untethered, and off he went.

The balloon was last spotted in the airspace above Colorado, fluctuating between 7,500 and 8,500 feet. Let's hope the little guy is having a good time up there at least, and that he isn't already dead with terror. Because if he does make it out of this one in one piece, he's definitely going into the hall of Bonus Time Heroes.

Also, if you're sitting on your ass reading this at home, go out and make something cool! These guys made a hot air balloon! Bonus Time!

Update: As of about 4 30ish Eastern the Balloon has landed! However the boy is missing, and this article seems to suggest that the boy would not have survived a crash in the balloon. However Bonus Time scientists Claire had the following to say:

Claire: he's just hiding

he's not dead

Claire: he's worried about getting in trouble

I would be worried too, good sleuthing Claire!

When Toadstools Ruled the Earth

OH HAI!

A bajillion years ago (250 million years ago) there was something called the Permian Mass Extinction in which 95% of sea life and 70% of land life on Earth died. Scientists believe the cause of the extinction, or "Great Dying," was constant volcanic eruptions coming from present day Siberia.

Now scientists are saying that not only did the greatest extinction the Earth has ever seen kill off most of the animal life on Earth, they're also suggesting now that this extinction also wiped out the world's forests.

Now scientists are saying that it was Fungus, and not trees that could have survived the mass extinction, and that fungus was the dominant vegetation on planet Earth for the next 4 million years.

This was predominantly because fungus could feed off of all the rotting wood. And a spike in fossils of such type of fungi is supporting the theory of so many forests being wiped out.

If you want to find out more on this, please click here. Otherwise I'm about to apply Bonus science to this.

Bonus Time scientists however believe that there is much more to this discovery. Could this possibly be ancient evidence of the Mushroom Kingdom?

Realistically, yes.

As cataloged by many top bonus science chronicles, the Mushroom Kingdom was a very real place. This article describes the dying off of most of the planet's species. Let's think back, how many different types of creatures ARE there in the Mushroom Kingdom? There's turtle people, evil mushrooms, and eventually some dinosaurs. And under the water there is even less diversity, a few squids and some fish, wow. In later games we get red fish and green fish, showing that things are starting to improve. But still the lack of eco diversity in the Mushroom Kingdom supports this theory.

It also explains Bowser's grudge with the Mushroom Kingdom. Wouldn't you fight back if most of your kind were wiped out? One day there are reptile men running all over the Earth, the next there's a bunch of Mushroom assholes running around with high pitched voices. Down and out you make a pact with some of the more asshole-ish Mushrooms (The Goombas) and there you go, time to take the world back.

Science + Bonus = Mario really happened. Aren't you glad it's Bonus Time? Now all you have to do is become a plumber, flush yourself down some kind of time toilet and you're set!

But be careful, something tells me that over the years history has been kinder to the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom then they should have been. Princess Peach in the end might just be some kind of disgusting Mushroom hive, forcing the lesser mushroom people to do her bidding through her telekinetic hive network. Hell she might only even appear to a human to Mario to get him to do her evil bidding, maybe that's why he never gets with her...

And The Winner Is....

Max! My good old buddy Max won the first ever Bonus Time contest, making him much cooler than you will ever be. He won for his comment on my fun fall activities article:

"My favorite October activity is counting all the douches dressed up as the Joker. Talk about beating a dead Heath... I mean horse.

It's the new crow."

Hilarious but also true! Max beat out all of the (one) other commenters! Reader Phil came close to grasping the prize, but couldn't pull it off as none of his comments were actual words! Better luck next time, Phil!

As per his reward I will purchase and drink a beer with Max (regardless of the fact that we do that all the time) and he has nominated Ron Perlman as his Bonus Time Hero of choice. Nice going Max! (Note: I'll be doing a feature post on Ron either later today or Monday)

And for everyone else who was going to comment but was too much of a coward, fuck you! Enjoy your non free beer this weekend, and your lack of Bonus fame and notoriety!

The Moon Goes Boom

Chewie's still cuttin' the crap out of his fur after this one.

As reported on last week, NASA has purposely crashed a probe into the moon.

As stated earlier NASA believes that there may be molecules of water, or hydroxyl (which can be used to easily synthesize water) on the moon. The prescience of either of these could make man's exploration, and even colonization of the Lunar surface much more convenient in the years to come.

So far however NASA has not come up with any results. While observatories on Earth noted being able to see plumes of Lunar dust coming off of the surface, NASA themselves is a bit iffy on the whole subject.

So we'll have to wait and see what happens with this. Moon Base 1 is still a ways off, but this is a step in the right direction. Also, if you have a telescope then look to the skies tonight. The debris from the explosion should be visible from Earth with aid of a small telescope.

There's Fire Rain and Lava Oceans on Super Earth

BAM FIRE!

Fuck. Luckily it seems that as of late Super Earthican activity has been fairly low key. But the more I hear about this place the more I realize what a serious threat this is to Bonus Time.

If there's one thing that I've known from my earliest childhood years (thank you Mario Bros.) it's that lava is fucking bad. And fire rain? Shit. Clearly this is what the Super Earthlings have in plan for us regular schmucks. Clearly they plan to Helliform Earth, yes I just made that word up. But there's no denying that's where this is heading.

Maybe Stalin coming back really is the only hope we have in this situation. Seems like he's got experience fighting extra terrestrials after all. And he IS the "Man of Steel" ... hmmm, think I might just be onto something here.

Rumblings from the Kremlin = Possible Mecha Stalin?

This definitely happened.

Recently it seems like Russia has been trying to spruce up the image of their old beloved leader, Joey "The Original Man of Steel" Stalin.

It all started last year when a Russian school book began referring to their former leader as an "effective manager" and the hero who led them to victory in World War II. In the past Russia has painted the former dictator in a harsher light, painting him as a murderer and tyrant.

But it seems Russians are warming up to him more and more, last year in an online poll he was voted the third greatest Russian ever, regardless of his Georgian roots. And earlier this year the Moscow metro station re-installed a bronze plaque praising Stalin that had previously been removed.

Now in more recent news, Stalin's grandson is taking a Russian news paper to court, after it published an article saying Stalin personally signed off on the deaths of Soviets. Yevgeny Dzhugashvili, Stalin's grandson, is saying that is a lie, while the paper, the Novaya Gazeta, is saying declassified death warrants have Stalin's own signature on them. A Moscow court has agreed to hear the case, and Stalin supporters gathered outside of the court house yesterday were quick to support the legacy of the former dictator. Supporters cited times when Russia was still "respected and feared" referring to Russians now simply as "beggars."

Sounds to me like the Old Bear wants to wake up from it's slumber, and they've really only know one way to do that, bring back Stalin. I mean if he could have won World War II while fighting not only Nazis, but Martians, what can the man not do for Russia? But how will we see Stalin return?

Mecha Stalin?

Hybrid Man-Bear Stalin?

Or just good old Zombie Stalin?

It's clear the Ruskies have some kind of aberration of nature coming down the ol' Pipeline. But what will it be, and what will the results of such a horrific being be? Will the United States respond with Mecha Patton? Zombie FDR? Or Hybrid Man-Eagle Obama? It's far too soon to tell, but we should all at this moment be grateful that the United States, in the form of Sarah Palin's backyard, is keeping their eyes on this situation.

Teen Burgular Finding Amazing Ways to Spend Bonus Time

Edit: Bonus Time Scientist Rachel has deducted that Colt is actually a CIA Agent on the run, and that this CNN article is a smear campaign. That's fucking science for you. Keep on runnin' Colt.

Someone in Washington state is stealing planes and crashing them for fun. Police aren't 100% sure who has been stealing planes, flying them around, then crashing them and walking away seemingly unscathed, but they've got a good idea.

Police believe an 18 year old named Colton Harris Moore is the culprit. Colton, or "Colt" as he is known as, has a long criminal history dating back to when he was 12 and broke into his school. The young man has since then lived on his own, apparently squatting in houses that are unoccupied at the time, or simply living out in the woods on his own. He has known to steal cars, boats, and homes. One of his favorite things to steal from homes is credit card information, which he uses to buy digital cameras, police scanners, and video games.

Now police believe he has moved onto these crimes, which are a big step up from theft and squatting. While they don't have any solid evidence quite yet, police believe vomit found in one of the crashed planes may prove to be his. They also feel that the crimes fit his 'profile' describing him as a 'feral child.'

This article has more information about him, and it's a hell of a read. Apparently the kid's almost been caught a few times, and has dove from cars to evade police, island hopped around Washington, and one time when he was actually caught he simply walked away from a juvenile detention facility he was being kept in.

Colton we here at Bonus Time salute you, not just because you seem to be bat shit nuts, but because you're living your Bonus Time to the fullest. Going around and committing such hilarious crimes as stealing credit cards for video games, and crashing planes for fun is great. Keep it up Colt, and just hope that next time the police catch up to you, they don't put you somewhere with a fence.

Bonus Time Villains

So if you're familiar with the facebook fan page , and as I'm sure you've seen on here, we have certain people who we consider "Villains of Bonus Time." These are people who we at Bonus Time feel have incredible opportunities, but either abuse said opportunities or squander them. Products or services that waste people's time have also fallen under the villains category. Below are a few of the established villains, and some of the reasons we here at Bonus Time hate them.

Kanye West - Like you didn't see this one coming? Sure, Kanye makes entertaining music from time to time, but aside from that he seems to be actually trying to come off as a complete prick to the rest of the world. Kanye has declared himself the "voice of a generation", the "new king of pop", and is generally an overly egotistical douche.

When the blog was first really getting going I was gonna write about the whole Taylor Swift thing. In the end there was much more interesting news out there, but it's the perfect example of Kanye not just ruining HIS Bonus Time by being a jack ass, but ruining another persons Bonus Time by being a complete tool. Taylor Swift is like 10 years old as far as I can tell, if not for Bonus Time she would have barely even existed.

Anyway, the list goes on and on for Kanye. He comes off as self centered, overly egotistical even in an industry that is predominantly about ego, and you know what? Bonus Time is the voice of a generation, your move West.

Octomom - Stupid, this is honestly why we should have more cullings of the general population. I really don't have to write anything else, right? If you don't get why she's a complete asshole, or how she's ruined multiple lives then stop reading my blog. Seriously.

Durrrrrf

The Free Credit Report.com Guys - There's actually a few ways you can look at these guys. Apparently they are actually a band, and have found success during Bonus Time, but good god they could not have gone about it in a worse way. Fuck now their song is stuck in my head again. Hocking a bullshit website that I've actually heard is getting shut down because it ISN'T free? No.

Make some real music, they seem to be somewhat talented and I'm sure they could be using their Bonus Time in much better ways.

Carlos Mencia - This guy is the total package, not only is he a noted joke stealer, but he's not even actually what he claims to be. If you've ever unfortunately had to suffer through any of his horrible act, you'll note that his big thing is that he's Mexican. Well he's not, he's from Honduras!

Kanye actually almost gets off of the villains list for killing this guy on South Park. If you haven't seen the video of Joe Rogan calling this guy out check it out (at the bottom of this post).

Thank god his show isn't on TV anymore, although Comedy Central probably just replaced it with some other unfunny, untolerable garbage. Lying and stealing land you on our villains list, Neddie boy.

The Io Digital Cable Commercial Guy - One time when myself and Miguel (the co-creator of Bonus Time who's been silent on the blog... thus far) got upset Bonus Time had kinda gone stale, we decided to flood some of our favorite members with this asshole's commercial just to show them how bad Bonus Time can go wrong if you neglect it. Stupid racial stereotypes are stupid.

That's it for now, more villains are listed on our rarely updated Facebook Fan Page, so check em out if you're interested. Do you not agree with me on some of these villains, do you have someone who you think SHOULD be a villain? Post a comment, really, it's okay I won't bite. Plus we're still doing the contest... you could win beer!

Happy October

Yay October!

Although September feels like it never actually happened, it's now October. October's a great month especially for Bonus Time. October is one of the more mischeavous months, and I decided to make a short guide of some fun Bonus related activities that you and your friends can do during October.

• Hunt Ghosts: Everyone knows the restless souls of the not so dearly departed are always more in touch with this plane of existence in October. What's more fun then finding some mystically endowed chains and beating some ghosts into undeath. Ghosts are also more pissed now because it's Bonus Time, and those dead assholes don't get to experience it to the fullest. I'm gonna go ghost hunting with some of my friends after work. You're not invited!

• Apple Fight: Yeah Apples! Apples are like everywhere during the fall. Traditionally you might think of something as simple as a crab apple fight, or a pine cone fight or some shit, but skip all of that and go right for an Apple Fight. Apples are great to watch explode, and what's better then watching one burst into pieces as it collides with one of your dearest friends faces. If you knock your friends teeth out you get Bonus points, holy shit, more Bonus!

• Ruin Some Corn Mazes: Corn Mazes are good for one thing, throwing corn up into the air and hoping it hits some other lost asshole in the head. That's why it's important that if you find yourself in a corn maze that you do your best to ruin it. Blaze your own path by kicking and stomping down the Corn walls that friendly farmers have prepared for you. It's a lot of fun, and it's a great work out!

• Getting Tanked on Seasonal Drinks: Not only is there a bunch of really good beers this time of year, but my friend Claire said that if you put rum in ANYTHING this time of year you can get away with it by calling it a Hot Toddy. That name sounds fun, so you won't look like as much of an alcoholic around friends and loved ones.

• Throwing Pumpkins at Things: Nothing is quite as satisfying as lobbing a pumpkin at something with all of your might. One time I had a girlfriend whose deaf father loved to carve jack o lanterns, it was really his thing. So one day I picked one of his pumpkins up and threw it at her car. It ruled.

• Halloween: I'll focus more on this around the end of the month, but girls this is your excuse to dress like complete whores. And guys this is that great time of the year when you think girls are gonna stop dressing like complete whores because summer is over, but then they pull one last night of dressing like whores out and it's amazing. Plus it's an excuse to get absolutely tanked on some of those hot toddys I was talking about earlier.

• Putting Gigantic Rocks In Leaf Piles: This is a double win because not only do assholes who jump in your leaf pile to ruin it get hurt, but assholes who drive through your leaf piles to ruin them get their cars completely ruined.

Chime in with your favorite fall activities in the comment section, and maybe if they're Bonus Worthy enough i'll make a second post. Oh and thanks again Claire for helping me think up a few of these!

And The Lord Sayeth Onto Thee: Choppeth Some Copeths Hands Offeth

I spent a half hour trying to find a picture of a priest with an axe. Or at least someone missing their hands, I even looked for Deadpool missing his hands cause that's a shoe in, right? Wrong. Anyway, does someone wanna be my image editing bitch? I'm not going to pay you anything but I'll give you credit. It probably wouldn't be that many, maybe 1-2 a day? Tops? E-mail Bonustimes@gmail.com if you're interested. I can't photoshop for shit and I really wish that guy had at least a priest collar in that picture. Anyway, onto the article....

Before I start the alternate title to this post was "So My Pastor Is An Axe Murderer" but anyway....

Pastor Curtis Watts decided one day that he was a man of god, so he founded his own ministry down in good ol' Clay County Alabama.

Pastor Watts also decided one day to beat the shit out of his wife. We have to assume the decisions were unrelated.

So the cops came, and the Pastor was unruly, and by unruly I mean waiting in his kitchen with a rifle. So the cops decided to help the Pastor find his way back onto the path of piece, with the aid of three tazers to take the old fella down, impressive I know.

But the story doesn't end here, afterall I promised an Axe, and a cop getting maimed. When the police came back to the house to serve Pastor Watts with a retraining order from his wife, he was ready with a slightly more biblical weapon. This time Pastor Watts had an axe, and when the serving officer tried to tazer the man once again, Watts was ready. With what must have been one incredible swing Pastor Watts took the officers hand off. At this point officers accompanying the maimed police man opened fire on the Pastor, sending him off to Jesus.

A beautiful tale I know, but here's where it gets screwie. According to this article, the officers hand was sewn back on. This brings to light two questions.

• How exactly does that work? If Watts took the guys hand off, how was it re attached? I'm really not sure how this works, but I have to imagine the hand is no longer functional? At what angle and what kind of cut did Watts get on this guy?

• And two, why did he not opt for an Evil Dead chainsaw hand as opposed to the regular hand. If you're dealing with insane Pastors in Clay County Alabama one would hope that you learn your lesson the first time you get your hand chopped off. I'd come packing something more on the level next time, but maybe that's just me.

Hail to the king, baby.

Anyway, I definitely felt that this fell under the crazy fucking shit that goes on during Bonus Time section, hope you enjoyed it.