Attack of the Extras

Fuck.

This young man exemplifies what appears to be some kind of sonic vocal attack abilities, as well as the ability to entice and mind control the young girls in this video. Are his powers routed in his being an Extra? Or is it his perfectly round young body that gives him the abilities he possesses? Regardless, I'm hungry for a burrito.

North Pole on the Run!

Maaaan on the ruuuun.

According to this article from the internet, the North pole is moving. And no not in some silly "the ice is melting" sense, in that actual magnetic north is moving, and at an alarming rate. The pole itself is now moving at 37 miles a year toward America's most ancient enemy, Russia. That may not seem like something that's moving very quickly, but keep in mind that 100 years ago the pole was moving at only 9 miles per year, and in the other direction, toward freedom.

Scientists believe that the movement may be a natural fluctuation, or even a switching of the poles, an event thought to take place about every 300,000 years (it's been 780,000 since the last swap). This scenario would be terrible news, as the swap would devastate the Earth and likely wipe man off of the planet. The other theory is that the magnetic field itself is actually dispersing, another terrible reality as without the field we'd be fried by the sun in about 3 seconds. Both Doomsday scenarios, and you know how we love a Doomsday scenario here at Bonus Time! However we've decided to take a crack at this one and certainly hope that you'll find our scenarios far more believable than the hocus pocus science bullshit you might have heard.

First Scenario:

Super Earth is using a giant space vacuum to steal our magnetic field.

Yes - as in the cult classic space tale 'Spaceballs' it is entirely possible that Super Earth is using some kind of giant laser, or vacuum, to steal or destroy our Magnetic Field. Now I've gone over the threat of Super Earth before, and I'm sure it's one that you're already familiar with. But for any new comers, let me spell it out to you. Super Earth is a gigantic planet, about a million times the size of Earth and they've got it out for us. You see Super Earth is not the most hospitable place to live, it rains fire and the seas shit blood, Super Earthicans as far as we can tell revel in only one thing: the complete and utter destruction of Regular Earth.

And as we've seen so far, they'll stop at almost nothing to get to us. Whether by using psychological warfare in Australia, or sending their Titanic babies to destroy our population, it's clear they know no restraint when it comes to wiping our little blue and green ball of mud off of the face of the galaxy. It's now clear that they've turned their sights on us once again, in an even more deadly than ever show of force.

There is however a second theory, one that may be even more deadly than the first:

Mecha Stalin has teamed up with Magneto and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants in an attempt to destroy Bonus Time and human life on Earth!

Yeah THIS Magneto.

If you haven't had a heart attack by now, I don't know what will phase you, and you may very well be a robot yourself!

I -- I'm sorry, let me relax for a moment. It's just that the nature of the crime, and where the pole is heading only really tell us two things very plainly, that Magneto and Joseph Stalin are very likely involved. As mentioned a few months back, it's very likely that Joseph Stalin is back and it's very likely he's got an axe to grind with his old nemesis America.

Now it's common knowledge that this country pretty much owns everything worthwhile, but let's go over a short list:

• The Moon
• Cheeseburgers
• Beer
• Skittles
• And of course, Christmas and therefore the North Pole

If Russia is to steal the North Pole they pretty much own Christmas too. And if America loses their grasp on Christmas, you can pretty much say goodbye to everything you love about it.

Ridiculous consumerism?

Done.

Jews that get Christmas presents anyway?

Done.

Kwanza?

Done.

As you can see this threat stands to effect pretty much everyone on Earth. Plus what kind of psychological effect will that have on us? If Russia takes the North Pole then what's next, Apple Pie, Baseball, Childhood obesity?

And who better for Stalin to team with other than Magneto? He's got a checkered history of hating America and humans in general. And you may be saying, wait a minute why would Magneto team with Stalin a known human? Well the answer there is that Magneto has either made this temporary alliance to benefit himself for the time being, or there's more to Stalin's resurrection than meets the eye, perhaps he too is a mutant.

Only time will tell which of these two evils are truly at work here, but stay alert Boners. Sooner or later action is going to have to be taken against this very real, and very anti-Bonus threat. And I daresay tinfoil hats may not even save us this time!

Super Earth Sends Giant Death Gulls to Destroy Bonus Time

The title says it all and the video is proof. Super Earth has launched another attack against the Planet Earth, AGAIN targeting Australia in their attempts to destroy human morale. It's a shame that the Super Earthicans didn't realize that Australia is a nation of bad ass former prisoners, and if they mess with Australia or Bonus Time one more time, they're gonna have Russel Crowe on their asses. And he'll fight ANYTHING!

Is this cause for alarm? Yes. Panic? Absolutely. Rioting? Please get me a new TV while you're looting. Super Earth has stepped it up once again, yet the world's governments refuse to take the necessary steps to stand up against this alien threat. It's time to start making the tin foil hats and the fallout shelters folks, Super Earth is becoming more and more a real threat with each passing Bonus minute.

There's Fire Rain and Lava Oceans on Super Earth

BAM FIRE!

Fuck. Luckily it seems that as of late Super Earthican activity has been fairly low key. But the more I hear about this place the more I realize what a serious threat this is to Bonus Time.

If there's one thing that I've known from my earliest childhood years (thank you Mario Bros.) it's that lava is fucking bad. And fire rain? Shit. Clearly this is what the Super Earthlings have in plan for us regular schmucks. Clearly they plan to Helliform Earth, yes I just made that word up. But there's no denying that's where this is heading.

Maybe Stalin coming back really is the only hope we have in this situation. Seems like he's got experience fighting extra terrestrials after all. And he IS the "Man of Steel" ... hmmm, think I might just be onto something here.

Rise of the Machines

Yeah that's a robot that can (kinda) play soccer.  Pretty crazy, you'd think a robot would be into other things like oh I dunno, killing?  Anyway, the guy who invented this thing said that Hajime 33 (the robot) is just one step closer to him fulfilling his dream of making a Gundam.  A Gundam for anyone who is not aware is a robot exo suit that effeminate anime teen boys ride around in killing each other (and sometimes hugging / dancing with one another).  The current bot is controlled by a ps3 controller, is 6'5" and weighs about 40 pounds.  A far stretch from a terminator, or a gundam but still a hell of a way to be living your Bonus Time.

This Gundam is traveling to Grandma's house.

Super Earth vs. Regular Earth

Does Super Earth spell the end of Regular Earth?

Everyone once in a while during Bonus Time we skip across a news story that is truly Bonus-riffic (kinda close to Boneriffic I know, not sure if we'll stick with that).  It turns out scientists have discovered a new planet outside of our Solar System, and while they seem to do this all the time, they're claiming this is the first rocky one they have discovered.

Scientists are calling this new planet "Super Earth" because it's fucking huge.  The thing is the size of Neptune, which is roughly 17 times the size of Earth.  17 times is a lot, and I know in general people have a tough time dealing with massive things they can't understand but fuck that's gigantic.  Apparantly however there is a catch as Super Earth is way too close to it's own star to support any life.  Scientists are describing Super Earth as having ridiculous temperatures that range from 1000-1500 degrees during the day time, and something ridiculously cold for night time.  

So gigantic fucking planet that's kinda like Earth with no life, what's the big deal?  Well here at Bonus Time we have our own scientists, and they have something else to say about this.  Ala Doomsday (the guy who killed Superman way back when) this planet is clearly home to some kind of hyper evolved ultra survivor species, and it's clear that in declaring themselves Super Earth they have their eyes set on destroying our little blue and green ball of mud.

Good luck fighting this guy, genius!

So what can you do about this, and why should you care?  Well first, you can't do shit because let's think about it you bitch when it goes over 100 degrees.  Whatever lives on that planet regularly deals with 1000+ degree temperatures.  Secondly why should you care?  Well because when these assholes do get to Earth, they're going to completely push our shit in.  Is Super Earth how Bonus Time will inevitably end?  The Bonus Time psychic team is doing their best to try and forecast these events, but so far we've got nothing.  

Enjoy your Bonus Time while it lasts Earthling!