Bonus Time Mailbag

Live there die there.

Ahoy Boners, today we have something new! Someone wrote me a letter! And because it was such an important letter I've decided to share it with all of you, in what will hopefully be an ongoing segment: Bonus Time Mailbag.

Dear Bonus Time,

I can't stop thinking about extras. I am pretty sure their powers are going to emerge in 2012, when the Mayans reanimate to rage a epic war on humanity and fulfill their own prophecy of the end of the world. The question is, what will the powers of the child warriors be?
I am writing something on this matter. I wake up at dawn nearly every morning, write a paragraph or 2 in some kind of mystical trance and then fall back asleep for 3 hours. I don't know what this means, but I will tell you that the handwriting on the page of Donnie Osmond notebook every morning is not mine. Not. Mine.

-Sara


Dear Sara,

Thank you for taking the time to write! I see that you've read our segment on Extras, children born during Bonus Time, and that you've taken quite an interest in them! The idea that Extras are going to one day get super powers is certainly one that is equal parts amazing, and completely realistic. Why would a group of people born during Bonus Time not be extra special?

The idea that they might one day rise up to crush this world is certainly possible, but by the time 2012 rolls around the oldest will only be 12, and easily distracted with a Jonas Brothers CD, or by peer pressuring them into trying drugs for the first time! I think you'll see that Extras won't really be all that big of a deal when 2012 rolls around. I will say though that your idea of Mayans re animating and destroying the world is certainly an interesting one. While Bonus Time doesn't officially support the idea that the world is going to end in 2012, that might be something for our scientists to look at!

As for your own sleep problems, there are a few things that may be going on here. The following things may be your problem:

• You're not reading enough Bonus Time Blog before you go to bed. Bonus Time Blog has a patented formula that puts you at a sense of great ease, and happiness. This is proven to help people drift off to dreamland easier. Give it a shot!
• You're possessed by an Extra! It's possible that you're possessed by an extra that has either manifested their powers and are trapped in a corporeal form, or a deceased extra has decided to use your body as a puppet to achieve it's own devious ends!
• You are yourself a time displaced Extra, suffering from some type of amnesia, and your true subconscious form can only come out during dreams. If this is the case, fuck you!

I hope that my response has been both helpful and insightful!

Your Pal,
Stef

Dear Bonus Time,

During wolf weekend month, is it imperative to wear wolf t-shirts over the weekends?

I've been looking into buying a wolf shirt for a while now and have been weighing the options in terms of wear-ability in social and formal situations, comfort and possible magic powers. In my research I have found that "the three moon wolf shirt" has consistently received the highest praise from users whose opinions I trust and value.
Take a look here:
http://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Three-Short-Sleeve-Black/dp/B000NZW3KC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=apparel&qid=1262971785&sr=8-1

Do the editors of Bonus Time have any suggestions on equally wearable/ comfortable/ magic wolf shirts?

Thanks,

Max


Dear Max,

Thanks for taking the time to write us here at Bonus Time! As for your question there is really only one answer, yes, absolutely, and if you're not wearing a wolf t shirt over wolf weekend month prepare to get gum put in your hair.

Yes, gum.

The three moon wolf is a classic, which we refer to here at Bonus Time HQ as the "AMAZING." But there are of course many other options, and as you ARE being graded you should know that you are receiving points for originality. How bout this bad boy?

http://www.amazon.com/T-shirt-Cotton-ADULTS-Short-Sleeve/dp/B000I7Q6U8/ref=pd_sbs_a_4

Fantastic if you're ridiculously patriotic, and who isn't?

http://www.amazon.com/T-Shirt-Mountain-Evolution-Cotton-Sleeve/dp/B001UK8ZLK/ref=pd_sbs_a_1

I liked this one because it shows the inner beast that's inside all of us, clawing to get out and attack as we impatiently on so many Starbucks lines.

I hope these shirt suggestions have helped you get on track, and that you'll be able to pick a Wolf t shirt that not only represents you, but the fact that you love wolves so much that you're willing to look like you live in your mom's basement. Happy hunting, tiger ... ur, wolf...guy...!

Sincerely,
Stef

That's all for the mailbag for now! Drop us a line at bonustimes@gmail.com (note: times, not time) if there's anything you're wondering and I'll get back to you, or just chime in the comments section below!

The Bonus Time Blog Has Gone Green

God bless my ability (or lack thereof) to edit images.

Friends I'm sure you've realized by now, and are incredibly excited about the fact that the Bonus Time Blog has gone green! That's right, almost every font on this site is now Green, in preparation for the greatest holiday on Earth, St. Patrick's Day. to support the Earth or some shit our wonderful Planet Earth!

Now you may be asking yourself a very serious questions right now. Why should I give a shit about the Earth? It's Bonus Time isn't it? If we're living on borrowed time, why do we care?

And those are very good questions! It's true, taking care of the Earth has typically been for nerds that just want to bitch about a subject that people will actually listen to (unlike their Star Wars collectibles), and it's a science fact that littering is ridiculously fun, and don't even get me started on burning garbage!

This monkey is smoking, which is cool. This monkey probably litters too.

So why should you give a shit about the Planet Earth. Well there's a simple math equation behind that friend, more time on Earth = More Bonus Time in general. And until we get our fleet of space ships up and going, we're gonna have to take care of this planet. It's because of this that I've decided to share some tips on help keeping the environment safe and clean.

• Destroy Homeless People

This first one is a surprisingly helpful tip. You see recycling is good, right? And all good little Boners out there separate their recycling from their regular trash. Now we all assume just because we go out and get our designer little blue bags, and put our recycling separate from our trash that it's going to get recycled. That's where you would be absolutely fucking wrong. You see as soon as you put your recycling out of the curb, it sends out a signal to all of the homeless in a 3 mile radius. There's fresh bottles for the taking, and it's time to feast.

You see putting out recyclables in the habitat of a homeless person is like putting blood in the water, just like a shark they're going to be all over it almost instantly. But Bonus Time, you may be saying, the homeless just take the bottles to get recycled themselves, they're helping. Well that's where you'd be wrong.

You see in our "Going Green" effort, Bonus Time has captured several feral homeless, and subjected them to a series of degrading, humiliating, and sub-human experiments. In our studies we have determined that homeless do not actually turn these bottles in, instead they feed off of them. You see it's only a healthy and constant diet of shredded glass that can properly keep a homeless persons insanity levels right where they want them, at their absolute peak.

It's also a common misconception that the physiology of a homeless person is similar to a regular human beings. Bonus Time scientists have also determined that this is not the case, and instead of disposing of waste the way regular, and hilarious way that other humans do, homeless create two completely separate bi-products when they're done eating your recycling; Green House Gas, and Anthrax. Anthrax that they then immediately trade to Al Quaida in exchange for cheap wine, and cardboard to make their signs out of.

That's right folks, not only are the homeless a threat to all of the Earth, but to America itself.

Next time you see a homeless peacefully passed out in a puddle of their own filth and biological weaponry, destroy them, with extreme prejudice.

That's your tip for today, check back soon because we'll have more tips for keeping Green as the Bonus Time winds on!

cAN YOU FEEL IT!?

North Pole on the Run!

Maaaan on the ruuuun.

According to this article from the internet, the North pole is moving. And no not in some silly "the ice is melting" sense, in that actual magnetic north is moving, and at an alarming rate. The pole itself is now moving at 37 miles a year toward America's most ancient enemy, Russia. That may not seem like something that's moving very quickly, but keep in mind that 100 years ago the pole was moving at only 9 miles per year, and in the other direction, toward freedom.

Scientists believe that the movement may be a natural fluctuation, or even a switching of the poles, an event thought to take place about every 300,000 years (it's been 780,000 since the last swap). This scenario would be terrible news, as the swap would devastate the Earth and likely wipe man off of the planet. The other theory is that the magnetic field itself is actually dispersing, another terrible reality as without the field we'd be fried by the sun in about 3 seconds. Both Doomsday scenarios, and you know how we love a Doomsday scenario here at Bonus Time! However we've decided to take a crack at this one and certainly hope that you'll find our scenarios far more believable than the hocus pocus science bullshit you might have heard.

First Scenario:

Super Earth is using a giant space vacuum to steal our magnetic field.

Yes - as in the cult classic space tale 'Spaceballs' it is entirely possible that Super Earth is using some kind of giant laser, or vacuum, to steal or destroy our Magnetic Field. Now I've gone over the threat of Super Earth before, and I'm sure it's one that you're already familiar with. But for any new comers, let me spell it out to you. Super Earth is a gigantic planet, about a million times the size of Earth and they've got it out for us. You see Super Earth is not the most hospitable place to live, it rains fire and the seas shit blood, Super Earthicans as far as we can tell revel in only one thing: the complete and utter destruction of Regular Earth.

And as we've seen so far, they'll stop at almost nothing to get to us. Whether by using psychological warfare in Australia, or sending their Titanic babies to destroy our population, it's clear they know no restraint when it comes to wiping our little blue and green ball of mud off of the face of the galaxy. It's now clear that they've turned their sights on us once again, in an even more deadly than ever show of force.

There is however a second theory, one that may be even more deadly than the first:

Mecha Stalin has teamed up with Magneto and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants in an attempt to destroy Bonus Time and human life on Earth!

Yeah THIS Magneto.

If you haven't had a heart attack by now, I don't know what will phase you, and you may very well be a robot yourself!

I -- I'm sorry, let me relax for a moment. It's just that the nature of the crime, and where the pole is heading only really tell us two things very plainly, that Magneto and Joseph Stalin are very likely involved. As mentioned a few months back, it's very likely that Joseph Stalin is back and it's very likely he's got an axe to grind with his old nemesis America.

Now it's common knowledge that this country pretty much owns everything worthwhile, but let's go over a short list:

• The Moon
• Cheeseburgers
• Beer
• Skittles
• And of course, Christmas and therefore the North Pole

If Russia is to steal the North Pole they pretty much own Christmas too. And if America loses their grasp on Christmas, you can pretty much say goodbye to everything you love about it.

Ridiculous consumerism?

Done.

Jews that get Christmas presents anyway?

Done.

Kwanza?

Done.

As you can see this threat stands to effect pretty much everyone on Earth. Plus what kind of psychological effect will that have on us? If Russia takes the North Pole then what's next, Apple Pie, Baseball, Childhood obesity?

And who better for Stalin to team with other than Magneto? He's got a checkered history of hating America and humans in general. And you may be saying, wait a minute why would Magneto team with Stalin a known human? Well the answer there is that Magneto has either made this temporary alliance to benefit himself for the time being, or there's more to Stalin's resurrection than meets the eye, perhaps he too is a mutant.

Only time will tell which of these two evils are truly at work here, but stay alert Boners. Sooner or later action is going to have to be taken against this very real, and very anti-Bonus threat. And I daresay tinfoil hats may not even save us this time!

Obligatory FOLLOW US Post

Do it.

Yes well, that is not to say that we don't feel like you all wouldn't follow us to the ends of the Earth, because we know you would. However we're more interested in your digital selves, and hope that if you are not already that you'll consider following Bonus Time on Facebook and Twitter. After all, if there is any way to measure pure COOL in a number, it's how many Facebook Fans and Twitter followers you have. Facebook is doing okay, but Twitter is practically flatlining, and were it not for ourselves and a few porno adds I fear that we'd be left with nothing at all. So be a pal and click on the boxes on the left, we'll love love love you for it.

Miracle Anniversary

Dr. Quinn references are the best references.

Believe it or not it's been one year since Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger crash landed his passenger airplane on the Hudson River. Crash landed is of course probably the wrong term to use, as the pilot, after experiencing severe engine failure was able to save the lives of everyone on the plane. In a few moments of focus, keeping his cool, and stepping up under pressure, Sully saved the lives of 155 people, effectively extending the Bonus Time of all those on board beyond the paltry 9 years they would have been forced to settle with.

It is because of this (and the fact that we didn't really have anything on the web during January of last year) that we here at Bonus Time have decided to salute Sully, and officially make him a hero of Bonus Time. It's one thing to live your Bonus Time to the fullest, but it's another to save the Bonus Time of other people.

And for you readers I hope your ears are perking up (so to speak) as you read, because there's something inherently special about this anniversary, and about this hero. We have discussed in the past with you that Bonus Time exists, but this is the first mention of Bonus Time being something one can extend. So next time you make a decision, think twice. Not only will it effect your Bonus Time, but it may just end up effecting how much Bonus Time you actually have.

TRIPPY, BRO.

BONUS TIME EXTRAS

Just when you thought it was safe to go in the kitchen.

107.685 views per minute.  Thats how many times the original Charlie bit me video on youtube is viewed a minute, a total of 148,368,719 at the time of this writing.  Why is this important?  Because Charlie and Harry from the Charlie bit me video are Extras, people born during Bonus Time.

Yes there are quite a few amazing things that we've gotten and have been able to experience so far in Bonus Time, but the idea that countless people would not exist if not for Bonus Time is truly incredible.

But are Extras a good thing or a bad thing.  Only time will tell, with the aid of course of our very influence.  Will it be an Extra that starts World War 3, will an Extra be the first man on Mars?  What will the children of two Extras represent?  

The potential that Extras represent very well may be limitless.  So far there are only a few other bonus worth extras aside from Charlie and Harry, that kid who's all fucked up after he went to the dentist, the little Korean kid, Hero who sang Beatles songs, and the serious face baby.

Bonus Time Best of 2000-2009

Barack O'Bama

Ahoy Boners.  While most other websites got their "best of 2000's" lists out of the way last month, we decided to hold off and be sure about ours.  Afterall, something else could have happened toward the end of December, like Terrorist Christmas.  But it is without further delay that we give you the winner of the 00's, the most Bonusy event of all of the 2000's:

The Election of Barack Obama.

Yeah we here at Bonus Time have been pretty quiet about Obama so far, but there's no denying that the first black president was the quite bonustly the most bonus event of the 00's.  Without Bonus Time this milestone would have never taken place.  

It is also with this realization that Bonus Time would like to officially endorse Barack Obama in his presidential bid, good luck in November Bammy.

Runner Up:

We love youtube, and it only lost by a hair but it still lost, haha.

Honorable Mentions:

• Playstation 2
  
• Bottled Water
• 50 Cent
• Pomegranate
• WiFi
• Sasha Baron Cohen
• Wikipedia
• The King
• iPod
• Water Bears

Best Death goes to MJ, although he has to provide a corpse soon or no dice.  Runner up best death is Steve Irwin.  Honorable mentions are Shaq & Kobe, Hunter S. Thompson, Anna Nicole Smith, Big Pun, Johnny Cash, Heath Ledger, Charles Shultz and Rosa Parks.

WOW!!!!WATER BEARS!!!!!!!HOLYSHIT!!!!!

Hello friends and countrymen, below you will find the finest examples of Tardigrades in the known universe. These are of course also known as Water Bears, the mascot beings of Bonus Time. Enjoy their rascally antics as you wonder yourself, what is it like to be invincible?