2004 The Year My Beer Gut Was Born!

Slow news day today, so here's some Bonusy stuff that took place in 2004. My personal favorite is the exploding whale. Fuck "Year of Rice" let's rename 2004 International Year of the Exploding Whale, who's with me?

2004

International Year of Rice

January 26 – A whale explodes in Tainan City, Taiwan, while being transported through the town to a university for a necropsy.[1]

February 4 – Facebook was founded at Cambridge, Massachussetts.

April 29 – The last Oldsmobile rolls off of the assembly line.

May 16 – The We Are the Future Concert takes place in Rome, organized by Quincy Jones in partnership with the Glocal Forum.

June 12 – A 1.3 kg chondrite type meteorite strikes a house in Ellerslie, New Zealand, causing serious damage but no injuries.

July 1 – The Cassini-Huygens spacecraft arrives at Saturn?

August 1 – A supermarket fire in Asunción, Paraguay, kills about 400 and leaves over 100 missing.

September 23 – Mount St. Helens becomes active again.

October 24 – Brazil successfully launches its first rocket into space. The universe is now hot.

November 28 – A male Po'o-uli dies of avian malaria at the Maui Bird Conservation Center in Olinda before it can breed, making the species in all probability extinct.

Samurai Justice > All Other Justice

YES HE DESERVES TO DIE, AND I HOPE HE BURNS IN HELL!

Note: Wrote this yesterday but the blog died.

This is probably the coolest news story I've ever heard. I've heard it from like a thousand news sources, but the one I'm referencing is gonna be AM New York. Mainly because I read AM on the train every morning to try to look like a grown up, and while it's usually only good for helping me not fall asleep, it helped me get some weird looks when I started laughing at an article.

Anyway....

This weekend in Flatbush the legend of Afro Samurai lived on, as following an altercation over a neighbor making a pass at his wife, Oscar Joseph, 37, decided to get out his 26 inch long samurai sword and go to town on his neighbor. His neighbor, the nefarious Major Mackerel (Okay fine, he's a reggae artist that goes by his name, but it still sounds like a cheesy super villain in my opinion) was wounded on his hand, wrist, elbow, AND HEAD. The best part is, when asked by the Daily News about the event Mackerel simply replied, "I don't feel bad, these things happen."

I would absolutely not be that okay if I was chopped in the head with a 2 foot long samurai sword, even if I had been hitting on a guys lady. Punch in the face? Fine, I probably deserved it. But samurai sword to the dome, amazing.

Both of these gentlemen are heroes. Oscar for using a samurai sword to dish out justice, and Mackerel simply for being so damn cool about it. I wonder who the chick sides with after all of this, that may explain Mackerel's demeanor, after all I'm sure all of you ladies are for chivalry, but samurai swords do enter the realm of creepy. And Mackerel, he's a Major. We all know chicks love two things, bad ass scars, and a guy in a uniform.

We're back!

After what I can only assume were like a million hours of down time, we are back! Sorry that Monday was lame, but all I could put up was that dumb article about Gaga, and even I knew that was kinda iffy. Promise Tues will be better... then again it's 2:30,and I shoulda been in bed hours ago... shit.

Be the onus mother fuckers.

Lady Gaga's Pre-Clownie Days

I found the above video to be pretty funny, if you couldn't figure it out the red headed chick is lady gaga on boiling point before she joined the circus.

I'm not sure what her deal is to be completely honest, I'm not even sure I'd heard one of her songs until a friend made me watch her scarey performance at this years VMA's (I still have nightmares). But I've heard a lot of hilarious things about this chick (including that she has a penis) and she generally dresses like a complete asshole wherever she goes, so it's pretty funny to see her looking normal. I mean thus far I had assumed she had been raised either by wolves, beyond pluto, or in some kind of stupid future.

How does this relate to Bonus Time? I dunno, don't dress like a dickhead? Ahh wait I got it, no chicks with dicks.

The Wittiest

Happy October

Yay October!

Although September feels like it never actually happened, it's now October. October's a great month especially for Bonus Time. October is one of the more mischeavous months, and I decided to make a short guide of some fun Bonus related activities that you and your friends can do during October.

• Hunt Ghosts: Everyone knows the restless souls of the not so dearly departed are always more in touch with this plane of existence in October. What's more fun then finding some mystically endowed chains and beating some ghosts into undeath. Ghosts are also more pissed now because it's Bonus Time, and those dead assholes don't get to experience it to the fullest. I'm gonna go ghost hunting with some of my friends after work. You're not invited!

• Apple Fight: Yeah Apples! Apples are like everywhere during the fall. Traditionally you might think of something as simple as a crab apple fight, or a pine cone fight or some shit, but skip all of that and go right for an Apple Fight. Apples are great to watch explode, and what's better then watching one burst into pieces as it collides with one of your dearest friends faces. If you knock your friends teeth out you get Bonus points, holy shit, more Bonus!

• Ruin Some Corn Mazes: Corn Mazes are good for one thing, throwing corn up into the air and hoping it hits some other lost asshole in the head. That's why it's important that if you find yourself in a corn maze that you do your best to ruin it. Blaze your own path by kicking and stomping down the Corn walls that friendly farmers have prepared for you. It's a lot of fun, and it's a great work out!

• Getting Tanked on Seasonal Drinks: Not only is there a bunch of really good beers this time of year, but my friend Claire said that if you put rum in ANYTHING this time of year you can get away with it by calling it a Hot Toddy. That name sounds fun, so you won't look like as much of an alcoholic around friends and loved ones.

• Throwing Pumpkins at Things: Nothing is quite as satisfying as lobbing a pumpkin at something with all of your might. One time I had a girlfriend whose deaf father loved to carve jack o lanterns, it was really his thing. So one day I picked one of his pumpkins up and threw it at her car. It ruled.

• Halloween: I'll focus more on this around the end of the month, but girls this is your excuse to dress like complete whores. And guys this is that great time of the year when you think girls are gonna stop dressing like complete whores because summer is over, but then they pull one last night of dressing like whores out and it's amazing. Plus it's an excuse to get absolutely tanked on some of those hot toddys I was talking about earlier.

• Putting Gigantic Rocks In Leaf Piles: This is a double win because not only do assholes who jump in your leaf pile to ruin it get hurt, but assholes who drive through your leaf piles to ruin them get their cars completely ruined.

Chime in with your favorite fall activities in the comment section, and maybe if they're Bonus Worthy enough i'll make a second post. Oh and thanks again Claire for helping me think up a few of these!

And The Lord Sayeth Onto Thee: Choppeth Some Copeths Hands Offeth

I spent a half hour trying to find a picture of a priest with an axe. Or at least someone missing their hands, I even looked for Deadpool missing his hands cause that's a shoe in, right? Wrong. Anyway, does someone wanna be my image editing bitch? I'm not going to pay you anything but I'll give you credit. It probably wouldn't be that many, maybe 1-2 a day? Tops? E-mail Bonustimes@gmail.com if you're interested. I can't photoshop for shit and I really wish that guy had at least a priest collar in that picture. Anyway, onto the article....

Before I start the alternate title to this post was "So My Pastor Is An Axe Murderer" but anyway....

Pastor Curtis Watts decided one day that he was a man of god, so he founded his own ministry down in good ol' Clay County Alabama.

Pastor Watts also decided one day to beat the shit out of his wife. We have to assume the decisions were unrelated.

So the cops came, and the Pastor was unruly, and by unruly I mean waiting in his kitchen with a rifle. So the cops decided to help the Pastor find his way back onto the path of piece, with the aid of three tazers to take the old fella down, impressive I know.

But the story doesn't end here, afterall I promised an Axe, and a cop getting maimed. When the police came back to the house to serve Pastor Watts with a retraining order from his wife, he was ready with a slightly more biblical weapon. This time Pastor Watts had an axe, and when the serving officer tried to tazer the man once again, Watts was ready. With what must have been one incredible swing Pastor Watts took the officers hand off. At this point officers accompanying the maimed police man opened fire on the Pastor, sending him off to Jesus.

A beautiful tale I know, but here's where it gets screwie. According to this article, the officers hand was sewn back on. This brings to light two questions.

• How exactly does that work? If Watts took the guys hand off, how was it re attached? I'm really not sure how this works, but I have to imagine the hand is no longer functional? At what angle and what kind of cut did Watts get on this guy?

• And two, why did he not opt for an Evil Dead chainsaw hand as opposed to the regular hand. If you're dealing with insane Pastors in Clay County Alabama one would hope that you learn your lesson the first time you get your hand chopped off. I'd come packing something more on the level next time, but maybe that's just me.

Hail to the king, baby.

Anyway, I definitely felt that this fell under the crazy fucking shit that goes on during Bonus Time section, hope you enjoyed it.

Sionara "Missing Link"

This picture has nothing to do with the article.
It does have everything to do with why you are on this site though.

We've all heard of the legendary "missing link," the half man half monkey connection between apes and humans. For generations scientists have searched the globe far and wide, hoping to discover evidence of the creature, and once and for all permanently link man and ape on the evolutionary scale. Legends of Yetis, Big Foots, and Sasquatches have sprung up across many a mountain side, all supporting the idea that such a creature existed. And through our belief in this creature we have become close to our supposed primate relatives, teaching them to count, drink their own pee, smoke, and even star in amazing movies like Congo.

However according to this article, all of that has now changed.

Scientists have discovered human fossil remains that date back over 4.2 million years, a solid million years older than Lucy, the previous title holder for the oldest human remains. Ardipithecus ramidus - the new species, is much more man than ape, and because of this fact coupled with it's age, the idea of a much more ape like missing link are being thrown out completely.

This also means that man's long standing belief that studying chimpanzee behavior would give some insight into how our ancestors behaved is also irrelevant. The characteristics that the creature shows are simply not in line with those of an ape or gorilla, and date back to much earlier apes.

Scientists are already calling this a bigger find than Lucy, this is something that is huge. Realistically, if everything pans out with this, it could be one of the biggest and greatest discoveries in all of our life times. And of course, if not for Bonus Time it would have never taken place.

One more for the road....

Late post I know, and I've already jammed a ton of shit down your throat today but this video is great.

A Very Bonus Contest!

So I kinda hinted at this last Friday, but because I had Monday off, and yesterday SUCKED we're getting to this a little later then I had planned.

Anyway I'm going to be having a contest, it will run from today, to next Thursday morning. The plan? Whoever can post the best, most bonus relevant (and humorous) comment on one of my articles over the next week will be the winner. All articles that I posted today, Wednesday the 30th (I posted like 8 to make up for the missed days, so get to em) are eligible, but anything before that is not. The contest will run like I said till next Thursday, October 8th at 5 PM. I will announce the winner most likely that evening or on Friday morning.

EVERYONE is eligible, and it looks like I've got a decent number of people reading this fairly regularly, so give it a shot. Not only do you get a chance at a prize, but you'll also be positively contributing to, and spending your Bonus Time. Win win, right?

The prize is a package deal which will include the following:

• I will give you free reign over what goes on Bonus Time for a whole day, this will be for minimum of 3 but no more than 5 posts (unless I love the idea). This part is really open ended. I'll accept either you sending me a bunch of shit you'd like ME to write about, or YOU contributing to the blog for a day (and if I like what you write, maybe it becomes a permanent thing).
  
• You will become an honorary Hero of Bonus Time, I'll do a focus profile of you on the site, and the facebook. You can skip this part if you want to remain anonymous, and if you chose to be anonymous I totally can respect and understand that. If you chose to remain anonymous I'll let you chose someone else who you feel is a hero of Bonus Time and I'll honor them.
  
• And, the best part of all ...... a BEER! That's right, I will buy you a beer of your choice and we can sit together and drink it and talk about Bonus Time and stuff. This one only really works if you live in the New York area. If you don't then I'll figure something else out. If you don't drink you're a pussy, but I promise that if you absolutely don't want a beer I'll figure something else out.

Now there's gonna be certain stipulations to all of this. If you send me a bunch of retarded shit for your day then I'm going to tell you that. Hopefully so far I've given you all a good eye as to what actually flies for Bonus material, but if you're way to off the tee I'll let you know and hopefully we can figure something out.

The same goes for the hero, if you pick some dip shit like Kanye (who's already a villain and wouldn't work regardless) I'll let you know.

The beer is really where the world is your oyster, your choice of bar, your choice of beer, and it's on me. I really not gonna put a limit on this one, but know that it is ONE beer, but I will probably end up drinking like 15 and buying you at least a shot too cause I'm a fuckin great guy. Again if you don't live in the city (and are not willing to come hang out), or you don't drink we'll figure this part out. I'm sure I can figure out some kind of alternate prize.

And honestly, this goes above all else. If you don't know who I am, feel free to enter the contest as well. I might nix the beer part just cause of the creepy for both of us, but I'm willing to cross that bridge when we come to it. This is above all else a way to have fun, and to get the Bonus Faithful a little more involved in the blog.

Note: You can comment as many times as you want over the week, all comments will be eligible and considered.

So get to it bitches! Let's see those comments tally up!